Marriage: Populist Notions vs. Christianity

For most of my life I've tried to come to a definite philosophical position on marriage. An unshakable ideology that will guide my decision to get married and keep me married. I'd listened to all the populist notions about marriage but found them lacking.

If these populist, Oprah-centric assertions are true & sure then America wouldn't have a divorce rate of over 50%! Husbands wouldn't be cheating on their wives at the alarming rate they do. [A visit to a popular bar may very well reveal your married male friends (without their wedding bands) consorting with “women of easy virtue!” Alternatively, you may be prone to regular bouts of depression because your male friends always seem to be confessing their "sexual misdemenours" when they're thousands of miles away from their wives!] And the wives are not exempt. They’re equally screwing around!

Many of the populist notions instruct you that marriage is simply about the following: Companionship, ensuring your bloodline, marrying your best friend, not being alone, legal sex, maturity, responsibility... the list is endless. For those who don't really have a clue, they say it's just something to do when you get to a certain age. It's natural. Apparently, populist theory posits that marriage is a “no-brainer”. Simply follow the directions and everything will turn out just right. [What a load of surface crap!]

I've listened to and researched the populist ideas - some are plausible, others are just plain nonsense. So, as I try to form an ideology on marriage, I return to the fundamentals of my existence, the thing that defines me, my raison d'etre. I return to God. For you see as a Christian, everything I do must take place within the confines of my faith or else I might as well not bear Christ's name or confess to living within the boundaries of his principles. I may as well live my life according to the principles of the world and at least maintain some measure of singularity and integrity. I must be true to who I am, even on the subject of marriage. Anything else is chaos in the making.

As I consider God's word about marriage - things I've learnt & things I've discovered - matters have become much clearer. At this point i must admit that everything sensible that i know is a result of the different environments i've found myself in - my family, church, school, work, friends - I can't claim any credit for anything. What I've learned over the years is this - Marriage has more to do with accomplishing God's purpose than just a contractual or romantic arrangement. He created the institution, so if I am to do it right, I must go to the Design Architect for directions.

The first step I think, is to find out what God wants me to do in life. Why am I here? Which direction would he have me go? Perhaps if I discover that, then I may learn to my surprise that marriage may not even be in the picture at all (for example, Paul the Apostle). Why are we humans so presumptuous that we always go off to "plan our lives" and do what we want to do without due recourse to the one who owns our very existence, the one who bought us completely with someone else's sacrifice? I really do not know. But this I do know, no one should get married until he's mature enough to know exactly where he's going and what direction God is leading him. It makes a hell of a difference in your choice of a spouse, as you tend to be more selective about whom you marry. And it means you don't take another precious human being along on a wild goose chase.

If God's plan for me includes marriage, then I must delve into his mind concerning the subject. A woman is meant to be a helper, right? Then it means that in a marriage, the primary objective should be achieving the purpose of God for the man. Your success as a wife as defined by God, is how far you were able to "help" the man accomplish God's plan for his life. That's the order in marriage. In a war, you cannot have two primary objectives: there's only one. The others are secondary objectives. And it may be that God's design is that as you help the man to achieve His plan, God himself ensures that you achieve your dreams as well. Because if you obey, God honours you. I think that's what the principle of headship is all about. The picture of marriage in scripture is the picture of Jesus and his bride-the church. Jesus is the head of the church. The man is the head of the home, the captain; he provides direction for the family, the same way Jesus provides direction for the church. The church doesn't fulfill its own agenda. It exists to "help" Jesus fulfill his agenda on earth. Perhaps if we look more closely at the relationship of the church with Jesus, it may become easier for women to understand what "submission" is all about and we may just stop resisting so much!

In terms of choosing a husband, again I refer to the Design Architect. If Jesus has a clear agenda for the church to execute, the first thing I need to look for in a man is his purpose, vision and dreams. Is he clear about what he wants to do in life or is he still searching and scattered - unstable. Does he really know how he fits into God's overarching plan? Or is he still young and immature - chasing shadows? Is he strong, a leader? Like Jesus, does he know how to love, lay down his life for me or is he selfish and proud? Like Jesus, is he better than me, more prosperous, more mature? Does he have what it takes to lead me, perfect me; present me spotless and unblemished to my Father?

Perhaps these considerations are the starting point not all the "stuff" populist philosophy tells us to look out for.

On the subject of in-laws, does the man understand that he is instructed to "leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife" or will his wife simply be a minor equation in a larger extended family?

As per children, it would seem to me that the era of being fruitful and multiplying is over, at least in Africa. That directive was given when there were just 2 people on a big earth. With the population problems in Africa, I'm not sure that’s the primary objective anymore. I think that in this dispensation, God is more concerned about generational imperatives, raising children to impact their generations and fulfill God's plan on earth. It's interesting that the Design Architect tells us to "train up a child in the way he should go so that he may be true to that instruction when he's all grown up". In other words, the success of parenting will be measured by how much of God's word and instruction the parents were able to transfer and how useful that child eventually becomes in his generation. In church, I learnt that one of the reasons God was willing to reveal secrets to Abraham was because he knew he would teach his children to follow God. I haven't worked it all out yet.

Sometimes I really get troubled at the pressures young, urban Christians face. We seem to be marrying out of a need to escape loneliness and sexual pressure. I'm a rational being so even in the midst of emotional turmoil; I know what the right thing to do is, even if I deliberately choose wrong. I try to identify the ideal and strive for that even if I fall short, time and again. I will never be perfect and quite honestly I’m not even sure it’s something I aspire to on this earth. I think a lot of the mistakes we make are as a result of limited information, cultural and religious conditioning. I think the greatest deliverance God does in a man's life is to flood his mind with TRUTH. Only truth can make you free. It means we are all in progressive stages of bondage and the more truth we imbibe the freer we become. I never want to lose the gift of being able to challenge assumptions and ask questions. I never want to lose the precious privilege of having people around me who I can share my troubles and questions with.

I think as more urban Christians speak out, come out of their shells and simply just TALK, we will learn from the collective intelligence, experiences and truth we have imbibed and perhaps be saved from the traumatic mistakes that can wipe out an entire generation of potential. Everyday I pray, I do not become like the Israelites who wasted an entire generation roaming around in blind ignorance of the weight of what they had missed, because their minds were too closed and fearful to believe the truth staring them in the face. I pray that God may continually beat me over the head with truth so that even when I'm downright stubborn and disobedient, he may still show me his love by lighting a very hot fire under my chair till I get up!I'm hoping to get married someday. I don’t know when or to whom. But everyday, my purpose becomes much clearer and surer and for that first step, I am eternally grateful