This is a follow up to the writeup, Things I Adore (http://www.subomiplumptre.blogspot.com/2008/03/things-i-adore.html). It was interesting to learn that i dislike far fewer things than i adore :-p
1. Tyranny & oppression
2. Narrow-mindedness
3. Judgmental people
4. Ignorance
5. Intellectual laziness
6. Religiosity
7. Tradition
8. Mediocrity
9. Cheap religious/cultural home decorations
10. Monday mornings
11. Being kept waiting
12. Unseriousness
13. Country music
14. Manipulative bastards
15. Pride (mine and other people's)
16. Stupidity
17. Child abuse
18. Unfairness
19. Lies & deceit
20. Approximations
21. Chaos & disorder
22. Conflicting signals
23. Being stalked/crowded
24. Indecisiveness
25. Sadness
26. Emptiness
27. Loneliness
28. Putting things off till a more "appropriate" time
29. Quiet, brooding melancholics & inexpressive people
30. Procrastination
31. My inadequacies
Subomi Plumptre's Blog: Thoughts, beliefs and expressions
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
An Irrational Fear
Over the weekend and the better part of Monday, i was terribly ill. In my illness, i understood how people with migraines cease to function. I also experienced a strange empathy for ulcer ridden individuals because of the acid constantly churning in my stomach.
I was ill because i was worried and gripped by an irrational fear.
Fear paralyses the mind and motor functions. All you want to do is escape, sleep, be saved, have it over and done with. But how can you overcome a situation that is totally out of your control and all you can do is wait for the outcome? I felt impotent, blindsided, like i was on the edge of a precipice and at any moment my life could take a sharp, ugly, unpredictable turn. How could i be so stupid? Could i really have gone into this with my eyes open? Despite the warning bells in my head, could i have proceeded so rebelliously?
I became humbled and humiliated as i begged, negotiated and wept to the unseen Holies. I pledged to get off my pedestal, to empathise more, shut up, talk less, judge none. I promised to do better if i was given a second (or is it third) chance. To be more responsible, wiser, restrained.
It is extremely hard to succeed in life. For many, the sheer fear and weight of uncertainty cripples initiative and action. The comfort zone is preferred to the great unknown.
In my fear i broke boundaries i had determined never to cross. In my desperate negotiations and scenario planning, i broached outcomes i had vowed never to contemplate. I became a despicable nothing, as life continued unrelentingly and unconcerned around me. I became human, a woman, a gnat.
If faith is the opposite of fear and love overcomes it then my faith and love must be measly things. I know that now. As midnight approached and salvation was handed to me, i felt relief but also a deep sadness and shame at the lessons i had failed and the person i saw myself becoming. But, i understood. I understood humanity better; my heart and head expanded to accomodate actions and inactions, flaws and irrational selfish evils. It was a lesson well taught though horribly learned. I am determined to never come back to this place. Never. Never. Until next time, that is.
I was ill because i was worried and gripped by an irrational fear.
Fear paralyses the mind and motor functions. All you want to do is escape, sleep, be saved, have it over and done with. But how can you overcome a situation that is totally out of your control and all you can do is wait for the outcome? I felt impotent, blindsided, like i was on the edge of a precipice and at any moment my life could take a sharp, ugly, unpredictable turn. How could i be so stupid? Could i really have gone into this with my eyes open? Despite the warning bells in my head, could i have proceeded so rebelliously?
I became humbled and humiliated as i begged, negotiated and wept to the unseen Holies. I pledged to get off my pedestal, to empathise more, shut up, talk less, judge none. I promised to do better if i was given a second (or is it third) chance. To be more responsible, wiser, restrained.
It is extremely hard to succeed in life. For many, the sheer fear and weight of uncertainty cripples initiative and action. The comfort zone is preferred to the great unknown.
In my fear i broke boundaries i had determined never to cross. In my desperate negotiations and scenario planning, i broached outcomes i had vowed never to contemplate. I became a despicable nothing, as life continued unrelentingly and unconcerned around me. I became human, a woman, a gnat.
If faith is the opposite of fear and love overcomes it then my faith and love must be measly things. I know that now. As midnight approached and salvation was handed to me, i felt relief but also a deep sadness and shame at the lessons i had failed and the person i saw myself becoming. But, i understood. I understood humanity better; my heart and head expanded to accomodate actions and inactions, flaws and irrational selfish evils. It was a lesson well taught though horribly learned. I am determined to never come back to this place. Never. Never. Until next time, that is.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Men & Women at their "STUPIDEST"!
I've been tired this week and a bit soul weary. I really didn't feel like writing a blog anytime soon, even though thoughts have been buzzing through my mind incessantly. It would seem that my mind rarely stops working, no matter how tired my body seems to be.
A while ago, it occured to me that if you want to observe a man at his "stupidest", watch him when he's fighting with another man. Closely observe the arrogant boastings and sputtered declarative statements. The chest heaving and nostril flaring. The sheer pride, arrogance and affronted vanity. The desire to impose will and self. The irrational anger. The attempt to reconstruct moves watched long ago in a kung-fu film. The pretense, posturing and excuses. And, the shame thereafter.
With women, it's when they're in love. They seem to enter into a mental state that blinds them to the truth. Or maybe they are just seeking some happiness. Consider the excuses for bad behaviour. The "I've gone too far. I can't turn back now" despair. The thinking that the opinions of people who have known and loved them for 20-odd years don't matter in the light of a love they've had for 3 months. The idolisation. The clinging. And, the shame thereafter
Why is it that men will proclaim another a pal or best friend even when that friend is a shitty excuse for a human being. Someone who repeatedly stabs them in the back, treats their girlfriend like dirt, often beating her up and cheating on her with the friend's full knowledge. I understand the concept of loyalty, especially to someone who's been there for you. But loyalty can be exercised from afar, not in such close quarters. If it's possible to know a person by the friends they keep then, what do the actions of your friend (and your ability to stomach them) say about you? Perhaps, that you're a person with double standards. Eventually that friend will turn around to bite you in the ass. I remember how a particular boyfriend of mine used to be so tight with his best friend. After, the friend hit on me, i realised that not only did my boyfriend choose to be deliberately blind to the true nature of his friend, but that the friend would eventually continue his habit of betrayal in years to come. Eventually, i cut off from both.
As i write this, I wonder whether my blogs serve their purpose. Originally they were conceived as a catharsis for my soul. A place to let go of pain, confusion, inconsistencies and troubling thoughts. Now i wonder if they don't just amplify them. If they are like desperate shouts in a vacuum that return no echo, no corresponding notes.
I do know i am not a lone voice. There are other "mad people out there". Perhaps, their medium is not words, yet they stand tall and proud on some other tract of universe. Mmn...
A while ago, it occured to me that if you want to observe a man at his "stupidest", watch him when he's fighting with another man. Closely observe the arrogant boastings and sputtered declarative statements. The chest heaving and nostril flaring. The sheer pride, arrogance and affronted vanity. The desire to impose will and self. The irrational anger. The attempt to reconstruct moves watched long ago in a kung-fu film. The pretense, posturing and excuses. And, the shame thereafter.
With women, it's when they're in love. They seem to enter into a mental state that blinds them to the truth. Or maybe they are just seeking some happiness. Consider the excuses for bad behaviour. The "I've gone too far. I can't turn back now" despair. The thinking that the opinions of people who have known and loved them for 20-odd years don't matter in the light of a love they've had for 3 months. The idolisation. The clinging. And, the shame thereafter
Why is it that men will proclaim another a pal or best friend even when that friend is a shitty excuse for a human being. Someone who repeatedly stabs them in the back, treats their girlfriend like dirt, often beating her up and cheating on her with the friend's full knowledge. I understand the concept of loyalty, especially to someone who's been there for you. But loyalty can be exercised from afar, not in such close quarters. If it's possible to know a person by the friends they keep then, what do the actions of your friend (and your ability to stomach them) say about you? Perhaps, that you're a person with double standards. Eventually that friend will turn around to bite you in the ass. I remember how a particular boyfriend of mine used to be so tight with his best friend. After, the friend hit on me, i realised that not only did my boyfriend choose to be deliberately blind to the true nature of his friend, but that the friend would eventually continue his habit of betrayal in years to come. Eventually, i cut off from both.
As i write this, I wonder whether my blogs serve their purpose. Originally they were conceived as a catharsis for my soul. A place to let go of pain, confusion, inconsistencies and troubling thoughts. Now i wonder if they don't just amplify them. If they are like desperate shouts in a vacuum that return no echo, no corresponding notes.
I do know i am not a lone voice. There are other "mad people out there". Perhaps, their medium is not words, yet they stand tall and proud on some other tract of universe. Mmn...
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Contemporary Christianity
I've been mulling over a lot of issues lately; looking at the lives and hearts of christians and wondering whether we are really any different from unbelievers. I've also been reading Ted Dekker's Slumber of Christianity.
I know that the incorruptible seed of God that is in us. Also the righteousness we have in Jesus that is entirely by grace and irreversible. I also acknowledge that we will never truly attain the apogee of God's image until the afterlife. Much of what we do now is a seed towards when we come back to earth to finally live the life we were meant to and reign with Christ. Heaven will not house us forever. There will be a new heaven and earth and we will come back to earth. But, in the meantime, some things bug me.
It would seem that there is a sharp divide in the church. You have the "churchy/holy" types who seem far removed from the issues of this world and spend most of their lives in church. They really don't impact the world/economy/political space or lives of the unchurched - hence not fully actualising God's command to "occupy until i come" - a political/economic term in the original language.
They also do not inspire unbelievers to want to be like them. At the other extreme are the "carnal christians" - believers who are so unserious/entrenched in a stubborn extreme liberty doctrine as to be mistaken for unbelievers. I worry we don't have too many contemporary christians who are sound internally, love God and yet can command the economic/political space. And if we do, we're not talking to/hanging out with/encouraging one another.
We have many hypocritical Peters ( cf. his double standard on the uncircumcised believers), but few intellectual Pauls or Daniels or politically powerful Josephs. I recognise that being born again does not change a mindset overnight or cultural barriers. If a man is simply not brilliant, interested in business, lazy or unexposed, he won't change overnight, just because he became a christian. He will most likely still fail in business unless God takes a special interest.
Sometimes I think that most people who do well in the world and are born again, had the potential/personality BEFORE they became born again (e.g Paul). Being born again simply accentuated it. And those who hide in church were simply the unexposed, condemnatory, thou-shalt-not, shy types before they became born again. Being born again simply provided a further excuse to be "exclusive".
My main concern however is this - if you take a look around - we (christians) seem to do just about everything unbelievers do. We have the same problems, use the same solutions, don't have much more faith, our prayers rarely move mountains, we drink like they do, go to the same clubs, have sex like they do, make out like they do, read the same things, watch/listen to the same things, talk like they do, watch porn like they do....WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?
I think something is critically missing, because it's not an overnight phenomenon. I talk to a lot of christians and really, most do not have a personal, cordial relationship with God. They simply do not know him for real. He doesn't talk to them specifically (even through the word/Spirit) they don't know his mind, he doesnt direct them, influence their decisions/actions. They're dissatisfied like everyone else, unhappy, worried, stressed....They spend so much time praying/fasting without commensurate output. It's like toiling with minimal results. They envy people who seem to be making it more than they do and condemn them by saying it's because they're compromising or using 'juju'.
Beyond church, beyond the crowd, beyond the traditions...we may need to reexamine the fundamentals of our relationship with God and the amount of his influence/power in our lives. Nemo dat quod non habet - you cannot give what you don't have. And perhaps, it is true that "garbage in, garbage out". There are times i know i've ingested too much of the world and need a break from it all to recharge/refill. What i hear, see, dwell on truly affect me - maybe it's because am a words/sound/thought person. We seem to think we can hang around people who really don't love God and somehow impact them, win them over, forgetting that "evil communication corrupts good manners". We may win them over, but unless we have other sources feeding us, building us up, strengthening us, invariably the "corruption" will erode who we are and we will change around them.
We need to build a strong network of people who love God/his word. Or else, the world will simply overwhelm us. Family is so important. God takes particular interest in families. The church is essentially a family. We need strong surrogate families and friends who stick closer than brothers, hence become family. Without this structure, we will begin thinking/acting like the world and it will happen quite normally.
Beware the day we start thinking they are normal and we are the odd ones out - the ones who need to get with the programme, conform, chill out. I know that i am gradually despairing, losing my mind, testing waters that are poisonous to my belly, so perhaps maybe this is as much a cry for help as it is a collection of thoughts. I simply cannot remember the last time i had a sensible discussion about God/his word or spent quality time with serious christians who aren't ashamed to be. If i didnt have a strong church, some core friends and conscientious colleagues, i would be crazy by now. Perhaps in that regard, God saves me each day. But some people are truly alone out there. Some will shrug this off as another lengthy diatribe. Others will do something. May God in his infinite mercy show us the way. Amen.
I know that the incorruptible seed of God that is in us. Also the righteousness we have in Jesus that is entirely by grace and irreversible. I also acknowledge that we will never truly attain the apogee of God's image until the afterlife. Much of what we do now is a seed towards when we come back to earth to finally live the life we were meant to and reign with Christ. Heaven will not house us forever. There will be a new heaven and earth and we will come back to earth. But, in the meantime, some things bug me.
It would seem that there is a sharp divide in the church. You have the "churchy/holy" types who seem far removed from the issues of this world and spend most of their lives in church. They really don't impact the world/economy/political space or lives of the unchurched - hence not fully actualising God's command to "occupy until i come" - a political/economic term in the original language.
They also do not inspire unbelievers to want to be like them. At the other extreme are the "carnal christians" - believers who are so unserious/entrenched in a stubborn extreme liberty doctrine as to be mistaken for unbelievers. I worry we don't have too many contemporary christians who are sound internally, love God and yet can command the economic/political space. And if we do, we're not talking to/hanging out with/encouraging one another.
We have many hypocritical Peters ( cf. his double standard on the uncircumcised believers), but few intellectual Pauls or Daniels or politically powerful Josephs. I recognise that being born again does not change a mindset overnight or cultural barriers. If a man is simply not brilliant, interested in business, lazy or unexposed, he won't change overnight, just because he became a christian. He will most likely still fail in business unless God takes a special interest.
Sometimes I think that most people who do well in the world and are born again, had the potential/personality BEFORE they became born again (e.g Paul). Being born again simply accentuated it. And those who hide in church were simply the unexposed, condemnatory, thou-shalt-not, shy types before they became born again. Being born again simply provided a further excuse to be "exclusive".
My main concern however is this - if you take a look around - we (christians) seem to do just about everything unbelievers do. We have the same problems, use the same solutions, don't have much more faith, our prayers rarely move mountains, we drink like they do, go to the same clubs, have sex like they do, make out like they do, read the same things, watch/listen to the same things, talk like they do, watch porn like they do....WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?
I think something is critically missing, because it's not an overnight phenomenon. I talk to a lot of christians and really, most do not have a personal, cordial relationship with God. They simply do not know him for real. He doesn't talk to them specifically (even through the word/Spirit) they don't know his mind, he doesnt direct them, influence their decisions/actions. They're dissatisfied like everyone else, unhappy, worried, stressed....They spend so much time praying/fasting without commensurate output. It's like toiling with minimal results. They envy people who seem to be making it more than they do and condemn them by saying it's because they're compromising or using 'juju'.
Beyond church, beyond the crowd, beyond the traditions...we may need to reexamine the fundamentals of our relationship with God and the amount of his influence/power in our lives. Nemo dat quod non habet - you cannot give what you don't have. And perhaps, it is true that "garbage in, garbage out". There are times i know i've ingested too much of the world and need a break from it all to recharge/refill. What i hear, see, dwell on truly affect me - maybe it's because am a words/sound/thought person. We seem to think we can hang around people who really don't love God and somehow impact them, win them over, forgetting that "evil communication corrupts good manners". We may win them over, but unless we have other sources feeding us, building us up, strengthening us, invariably the "corruption" will erode who we are and we will change around them.
We need to build a strong network of people who love God/his word. Or else, the world will simply overwhelm us. Family is so important. God takes particular interest in families. The church is essentially a family. We need strong surrogate families and friends who stick closer than brothers, hence become family. Without this structure, we will begin thinking/acting like the world and it will happen quite normally.
Beware the day we start thinking they are normal and we are the odd ones out - the ones who need to get with the programme, conform, chill out. I know that i am gradually despairing, losing my mind, testing waters that are poisonous to my belly, so perhaps maybe this is as much a cry for help as it is a collection of thoughts. I simply cannot remember the last time i had a sensible discussion about God/his word or spent quality time with serious christians who aren't ashamed to be. If i didnt have a strong church, some core friends and conscientious colleagues, i would be crazy by now. Perhaps in that regard, God saves me each day. But some people are truly alone out there. Some will shrug this off as another lengthy diatribe. Others will do something. May God in his infinite mercy show us the way. Amen.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Music - my new cure-all for horniness
Okay, I admit it, I'm horny and have explored just about every conventional (and some unconventional) solutions to stay sane, without jumping every bloke I'm attracted to.
To make matters worse, i sometimes work 19 hour days - adrenaline pumping, exciting, knowledge filled days - that leave my body screaming for an outlet. But the resulting tiredness of the day generally precludes most activity based outlets - try doing anything rational when your tired AND horny. Recently, i discovered the soothing powers of music.
Music (particularly new music) engages me. When i hear something i like, i literally stop whatever I'm doing to listen to it. Therefore, it's a wonderful distraction. It also provides an emotional channel for my swirling internal maelstrom. Finally, it just soothes and rocks me ever so gently or loudly to sleep.
I'm interested in other cure-alls. Anybody with any ideas? And yes, am ALREADY aware of the three-letter and 12-letter options, so get creative, will ya?
To make matters worse, i sometimes work 19 hour days - adrenaline pumping, exciting, knowledge filled days - that leave my body screaming for an outlet. But the resulting tiredness of the day generally precludes most activity based outlets - try doing anything rational when your tired AND horny. Recently, i discovered the soothing powers of music.
Music (particularly new music) engages me. When i hear something i like, i literally stop whatever I'm doing to listen to it. Therefore, it's a wonderful distraction. It also provides an emotional channel for my swirling internal maelstrom. Finally, it just soothes and rocks me ever so gently or loudly to sleep.
I'm interested in other cure-alls. Anybody with any ideas? And yes, am ALREADY aware of the three-letter and 12-letter options, so get creative, will ya?
Monday, October 08, 2007
Saturday Thoughts
I greatly value the peace, comfort, excitement & support God/friends provide. Living is so much easier, days not so empty, tasks not so gargantuan. The things i HAVE to do but hate to do are easier to bear. Thinking about God/friends makes it all bearable as well as the knowledge that when it's over and done with, I'm coming home to them.
Friendship is very selective. I recently decided that i would stop pointing out the things i don't like in others or try to change them. Why? 1. It's not my place to judge or try to change them 2. It hurts like hell. Friends who have known you long enough know when they're doing wrong. If they choose to continue, it's because they're unwilling/unable to change. You need to make a decision to stop having stupid arguments about what they do or don't do. Love them as is, or exit and leave them the heck alone!
Some people hold fast to particular viewpoints. When they are presented with another or a superior one or theirs is assaulted, they're so pained/affronted/can't handle it/assume you're the one who's wrong. Be patient if they're important to you. Sometimes, they do come around. If they refuse to give an inch, leave them be.
Friendship is very selective. I recently decided that i would stop pointing out the things i don't like in others or try to change them. Why? 1. It's not my place to judge or try to change them 2. It hurts like hell. Friends who have known you long enough know when they're doing wrong. If they choose to continue, it's because they're unwilling/unable to change. You need to make a decision to stop having stupid arguments about what they do or don't do. Love them as is, or exit and leave them the heck alone!
Some people hold fast to particular viewpoints. When they are presented with another or a superior one or theirs is assaulted, they're so pained/affronted/can't handle it/assume you're the one who's wrong. Be patient if they're important to you. Sometimes, they do come around. If they refuse to give an inch, leave them be.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Losing your way?
When a man loses his way, he loses parts of himself.
But when he finds his way, he may not always find himself.
His innocence is shattered, his heart bruised
And only self-forgiveness and the love of another
Can heal him
But when he finds his way, he may not always find himself.
His innocence is shattered, his heart bruised
And only self-forgiveness and the love of another
Can heal him
Thursday, September 27, 2007
A Man Who Lives in Sadness
I know a man who lives in sadness
He’s built his battlements there
An impenetrable façade of okayisms and alrights
Battered and bruised by SYCDAA (situations you can’t do anything about)
He seeks a window, a reprieve
He longs for hope and love
A promise of something beyond the misery
That has become a constant refrain
A life lesson in futility and perplexity
I know a man who lives in sadness
A strong man, a good man, a lone man
I know this man intimately
For he is my father and my friend
He’s built his battlements there
An impenetrable façade of okayisms and alrights
Battered and bruised by SYCDAA (situations you can’t do anything about)
He seeks a window, a reprieve
He longs for hope and love
A promise of something beyond the misery
That has become a constant refrain
A life lesson in futility and perplexity
I know a man who lives in sadness
A strong man, a good man, a lone man
I know this man intimately
For he is my father and my friend
An Impossible Love
My hands fit perfectly in yours. They are at home there
My body likes your body. When it's wrapped around you
I forget its imperfections and blemishes
And revel in pleasurable warmth
And blissful, irresponsible abandon
My thoughts like your thoughts
The perfect blend of the irreverent, corny
Deep and classically funny
My words love to intermingle with yours
In endless explorations
Of new worlds of words
My lips adore your lips
As we fight the curious battle
Of tongue, teeth and liquid fire
How I love to inhale you and get lost in you
I love your house and the peace that it holds
A haven, a restaurant, a cinema, a home
I marvel at your heart
True, large and filled with compassion
It’s amazing how many things I have come
To like and love about you
So it hurts to know I cannot love you anymore
Not like this, not here, not now
My body likes your body. When it's wrapped around you
I forget its imperfections and blemishes
And revel in pleasurable warmth
And blissful, irresponsible abandon
My thoughts like your thoughts
The perfect blend of the irreverent, corny
Deep and classically funny
My words love to intermingle with yours
In endless explorations
Of new worlds of words
My lips adore your lips
As we fight the curious battle
Of tongue, teeth and liquid fire
How I love to inhale you and get lost in you
I love your house and the peace that it holds
A haven, a restaurant, a cinema, a home
I marvel at your heart
True, large and filled with compassion
It’s amazing how many things I have come
To like and love about you
So it hurts to know I cannot love you anymore
Not like this, not here, not now
Different Categories of Friends
I’ve been studying and categorising my friends lately. (Don’t mind me. It’s a throwback to my days as a Microbiologist and studies on Taxonomy).
Anyway, I’ve identified 4 broad categories, so far:
Category One: Friends Who Radiate Peace
Category Two: Friends Who Exhaust
Category Three: Toxic Material
Category Four: The Blatantly Annoying
Category One friends radiate an inner peace or stability. They are kind, strong, can take care of themselves and take care of business. They give, are always ready to help out in a jam and are very efficient and reliable. They also adore you - the feeling is usually mutual – and are ready to spoil you when you’re down and out and need it.
Category Two Friends are really in 2 sub-categories. The 1st sub-category comprises those who will argue and argue with you, remaining stubborn till you’re exhausted, sad and defeated. They also give you physical headache. These individuals are sometimes children of lecturers or are men who don’t have sisters and hence have never learnt the finer points of fraternal diplomacy. They simply cannot lose an argument, hate apologizing and will batter you with a viewpoint till you give in out of sheer exhaustion. I’ve always thought that a highlight of humility is the ability to concede you may be wrong even when you know you’re right – just for the sake of peace and harmony. You’re man enough to allow time to vindicate you.
In the 2nd sub-category are those who are so deep and intellectual that you can’t quite take it all in. They’re usually emotional, needy and demanding and will literally tire you out. This sub-category also includes men and women who love people that don’t love them back and those who constantly pressure you for sex. Only God can fully meet their emotional needs.
With Category Three, you find yourself doing and saying things you wouldn’t ordinarily do or say. You spend the night partying with them or you wake up beside them in the harsh light of the morning and find yourself saying: “What am I doing here”?
Category Four are in a class of their own. I must settle in to write about them.
These are people who try to control you and make you fit their narrow-minded view of the world. I tend to ask: “If I’m not trying to make you like me, why on earth are you trying to make me like you? Can’t you simply accept that I will never be you, don’t subscribe to your values and think that you’re an overbearing and self-righteous idiot to deny me my fundamental right to be different from you”! Okay, I don’t quite put it like that. (Smile).
It’s interesting that when you resist and dig you’re foot in; they consider you stubborn or proud. I will never respond favourably to people trying to MAKE ME change. I’ve learnt that you can’t change anyone. Only love can – not emotional blackmail. Even God has a hard time changing us, so who the heck are you?!
If a person cannot accept me holistically then he/she should bloody well leave me alone, after all I didn’t come looking for you.
Another particularly annoying group is men who constantly badger women to go out with them. This is a rather common overpopulated group. If a woman says no – take the hint and drop all this African nonsense about being persistent and “women meaning yes when they say no”. In my opinion, a woman who does that is significantly confused and should be avoided, ‘cause she almost always has the gift of telling lies too! If a determined woman says no, accept it. If she changes her mind, trust me, you’ll know. She’ll throw out so many “come hither” signals that are very hard to miss.
So, that’s my spiel about friends. With every sense of gratitude, I must admit, I’ve met my fair share of wonderful people. I meet new ones at the oddest times too. But will I ever meet THE ONE? I’ll keep my fingers crossed. (Smile).
Anyway, I’ve identified 4 broad categories, so far:
Category One: Friends Who Radiate Peace
Category Two: Friends Who Exhaust
Category Three: Toxic Material
Category Four: The Blatantly Annoying
Category One friends radiate an inner peace or stability. They are kind, strong, can take care of themselves and take care of business. They give, are always ready to help out in a jam and are very efficient and reliable. They also adore you - the feeling is usually mutual – and are ready to spoil you when you’re down and out and need it.
Category Two Friends are really in 2 sub-categories. The 1st sub-category comprises those who will argue and argue with you, remaining stubborn till you’re exhausted, sad and defeated. They also give you physical headache. These individuals are sometimes children of lecturers or are men who don’t have sisters and hence have never learnt the finer points of fraternal diplomacy. They simply cannot lose an argument, hate apologizing and will batter you with a viewpoint till you give in out of sheer exhaustion. I’ve always thought that a highlight of humility is the ability to concede you may be wrong even when you know you’re right – just for the sake of peace and harmony. You’re man enough to allow time to vindicate you.
In the 2nd sub-category are those who are so deep and intellectual that you can’t quite take it all in. They’re usually emotional, needy and demanding and will literally tire you out. This sub-category also includes men and women who love people that don’t love them back and those who constantly pressure you for sex. Only God can fully meet their emotional needs.
With Category Three, you find yourself doing and saying things you wouldn’t ordinarily do or say. You spend the night partying with them or you wake up beside them in the harsh light of the morning and find yourself saying: “What am I doing here”?
Category Four are in a class of their own. I must settle in to write about them.
These are people who try to control you and make you fit their narrow-minded view of the world. I tend to ask: “If I’m not trying to make you like me, why on earth are you trying to make me like you? Can’t you simply accept that I will never be you, don’t subscribe to your values and think that you’re an overbearing and self-righteous idiot to deny me my fundamental right to be different from you”! Okay, I don’t quite put it like that. (Smile).
It’s interesting that when you resist and dig you’re foot in; they consider you stubborn or proud. I will never respond favourably to people trying to MAKE ME change. I’ve learnt that you can’t change anyone. Only love can – not emotional blackmail. Even God has a hard time changing us, so who the heck are you?!
If a person cannot accept me holistically then he/she should bloody well leave me alone, after all I didn’t come looking for you.
Another particularly annoying group is men who constantly badger women to go out with them. This is a rather common overpopulated group. If a woman says no – take the hint and drop all this African nonsense about being persistent and “women meaning yes when they say no”. In my opinion, a woman who does that is significantly confused and should be avoided, ‘cause she almost always has the gift of telling lies too! If a determined woman says no, accept it. If she changes her mind, trust me, you’ll know. She’ll throw out so many “come hither” signals that are very hard to miss.
So, that’s my spiel about friends. With every sense of gratitude, I must admit, I’ve met my fair share of wonderful people. I meet new ones at the oddest times too. But will I ever meet THE ONE? I’ll keep my fingers crossed. (Smile).
I Gotta Get This Off My Chest
There’s something I must get off my chest. I will probably offend quite a few people by doing so but it’s really got to stop. What exactly I’m I talking about? It’s the rise and rise of non-creative, forwarded text messages!
I know that guys, you probably mean well and would like to be sweet and brighten up my day, but pllllllllllllssssss NOT AT 5 AM IN THE FRIGGIN’ MORNING! And definitely not last thing at night.
I particularly hate those text messages that are of a religious variety. You don’t have to wax poetic. Simply speak your heart (in good English please). And quit dogging me throughout the day. I once had a particularly persistent fellow say hello to me in the morning, send “uplifting” messages throughout the day, wish me safe journey as I boarded the plane to Abuja and by the time I landed and switched on my phone, his was the first message I received. Talk about “phone stalking”!
And callers, please stop flashing me.....I can see your missed call the first time. If I don’t call back it’s because I DON’T WANT TO. Take the hint.
Phew... !
I know that guys, you probably mean well and would like to be sweet and brighten up my day, but pllllllllllllssssss NOT AT 5 AM IN THE FRIGGIN’ MORNING! And definitely not last thing at night.
I particularly hate those text messages that are of a religious variety. You don’t have to wax poetic. Simply speak your heart (in good English please). And quit dogging me throughout the day. I once had a particularly persistent fellow say hello to me in the morning, send “uplifting” messages throughout the day, wish me safe journey as I boarded the plane to Abuja and by the time I landed and switched on my phone, his was the first message I received. Talk about “phone stalking”!
And callers, please stop flashing me.....I can see your missed call the first time. If I don’t call back it’s because I DON’T WANT TO. Take the hint.
Phew... !
Treadmill
The last 2 weeks have been B.U.S.Y! I’ve been shuttling to and fro Abuja, working on-site, while coordinating activities in Lagos via phone and email. I’ve also had a couple of 7-day work weeks. To say the least, sleep has become a lusted after delight that keeps shifting from my grasp.
I always thought that as you become better at what you do and train others, the work load becomes more manageable. I must have been dreaming! It only gets more demanding, sophisticated and intense!
There’ll never be a convenient enough time to take a break, raise a family, get a 2nd degree, execute that personal project or get to know God. Everything has to go on concurrently. You must find time for it all and something has gotta give. I spend less time sleeping, eat on the run (oftentimes substituting lunch for a bottle of coke) and rarely watch TV. I also spend more money – talking to friends on the phone, going to the movies for emergency distressing or sharing drinks with a friend in a beautiful restaurant. I read more to escape the world and get inspired, especially on planes.
Finally, I’m beginning to experience the peace that comes with solitude, (as well as the loneliness). I’m purposeful, my life counts for “something” and I’m happier. I’m giving more too (money) and being there for my friends, while demanding that they’re there for me too – friendship is such a joy.
Life will bring surprises but when they hit, I will be well equipped to meet them. Bring it on, baby!
I always thought that as you become better at what you do and train others, the work load becomes more manageable. I must have been dreaming! It only gets more demanding, sophisticated and intense!
There’ll never be a convenient enough time to take a break, raise a family, get a 2nd degree, execute that personal project or get to know God. Everything has to go on concurrently. You must find time for it all and something has gotta give. I spend less time sleeping, eat on the run (oftentimes substituting lunch for a bottle of coke) and rarely watch TV. I also spend more money – talking to friends on the phone, going to the movies for emergency distressing or sharing drinks with a friend in a beautiful restaurant. I read more to escape the world and get inspired, especially on planes.
Finally, I’m beginning to experience the peace that comes with solitude, (as well as the loneliness). I’m purposeful, my life counts for “something” and I’m happier. I’m giving more too (money) and being there for my friends, while demanding that they’re there for me too – friendship is such a joy.
Life will bring surprises but when they hit, I will be well equipped to meet them. Bring it on, baby!
Infidelity
I was having drinks with a friend the other day – Heineken for him, Red Bull & Coke for me – and he brought up the issue of infidelity. Now, infidelity is a subject I understand but do not accept…Understanding and acceptance – 2 seemingly distinct states of mind that must be in harmony for me to find peace. Harmony typically comes to me after much analysis (and an eventual resolution) or if I believe/trust/have faith in someone I respect.
My friend attempted to trace infidelity’s roots by exploring the concept of Polygamy in Africa. Essentially he posits that Polygamy is an African concept which was abolished by the Missionaries. Ever since, African males have had to wrap their brains around and discipline their groins to accept a monogamous lifestyle. Women on the other hand have always hated sharing so they readily embraced the concept of Monogamy!
It’s intriguing that in the Bible, man evolved from Monogamy to Polygamy (and back to Monogamy. Perhaps we’ll return to Polygamy someday). God also placed a spiritual structure in place to accommodate the issue of Polygamy – Headship. In the New Testament, Paul recognizes that there were Christians with more than one wife but advises that if a man should desire a leadership position in the church (specifically deaconhood), he should be Monogamous.
My stand on the issue is this: Adhere to the Law of the Land. God respects norms, customs and laws. If you get married in a Court of Law, Polygamy becomes a crime. However, if you choose the Native Law & Custom route alone, I wish you luck!
Personally, I prefer Monogamy. Perhaps it’s my idealistic/romantic side. Perhaps it’s because I invest so much in a relationship. I understand the “art of detachment” though– the ability to sleep with someone when you’re in love with someone else, (yes, I do admit I have a cold streak), but I have made a deliberate choice to adopt fidelity, and I hope to stick with it. I can relate to why Men sleep around – it usually finds its roots in boredom, the need for adventure, rage or trouble at home. With women, it’s typically loneliness and the desire for validation or kindness. Practical wisdom can usually avert disaster in many relationships, but unfortunately it doesn’t prevent the horny philandering person who deliberately decides to screw around, if they so please!
It’s interesting that when people cheat, we say – He/she cheated on ME! At that point it ceases to be about the person who lost his way and is in need of mercy. It’s about YOU. We hurt God everyday and he forgives. Period. It’s our job to help the cheating one up – we may not get any reward for it on this earth, but showing true love is an uncommon honour that we show to God.
I’m not advocating that people should cheat with impunity. But, conceptually speaking, I used to think that the only thing that could hold people back from sin was a love for and fear of God. But I know better now. Love is not a good enough reason to keep people from sin. People love their spouses yet cheat everyday. David loved God and was a man after God’s heart. Indeed, God said he had a perfect heart, yet he was a murderer and adulterer. So love is not enough.
Moral standards and conscience are also not good enough. Many so-called virgins will get to heaven then realize that they have no reward. They stayed celibate not because of God per se or faith, but because of the fear of sin, getting pregnant, upbringing etc. And many have acted out the entire thing in their minds anyway. With God, thinking carries the same weight as doing. In fact, lying, gossip, nastiness etc carry the same weight as fornication or masturbation. It is only among Christian people and moralists that sex is considered the greatest sin on earth. BULLSHIT.
Recently, I’ve been thinking that the only thing that keeps a man from sinning is the Word of God. There’s a particularly beautiful scripture I know – it says “Thy Word have I hid in my heart that I may not sin against you” (Psalms 119:11).
The Word of God does many things. It renews the mind and changes the heart’s motivations and inclinations, it stabilizes and makes you strong, it changes your very nature and most importantly, through it, God breathes revelation to an otherwise callous mind.
If you’re prone to a particular vice and you fill your heart with the word of God about the subject, someday, your heart and mind will open to the truth. I’m not talking about head knowledge. I mean deep, gut wrenching truth that only God’s word can give. I tell people that the only reason (okay, one of the reasons) I read my bible regularly, is because my mind craves for truth. It stabilizes me. I’m very deep and creative. I have an above average curiosity and sexuality, so you could say I need some sort of gyrostat. Am I using it as a crutch? Perhaps. I’m not proud and readily admit my imperfections and weaknesses. I think the Word of God is the key. It must be – without Faith, it is impossible to please God and faith comes by hearing the word of God.
I’m also particular about what my conscience can handle. All things are lawful, but not all things are expedient. I’m not a fool and I will not try to be anyone else, in a bid to be acceptable, liberal and hip! I may be able to do a lot of things, but are they really “me”? Can I do them with the same confidence with which I am writing this piece? This is me. Some things aren’t. Whatever your conscience considers sin, will be sin to you, even though it may not be sin to another. There may be general standards, but the truth is David ate the hallowed showbread and went away unharmed, while Uzziah attempted to perform a sacrifice and was struck with leprosy. Go figure.
Infidelity will always be a prickly subject. There are no hard and fast rules. Some will decide to opt out of the relationship, others will choose to forgive and forget. There is honour & dignity in both.
My friend attempted to trace infidelity’s roots by exploring the concept of Polygamy in Africa. Essentially he posits that Polygamy is an African concept which was abolished by the Missionaries. Ever since, African males have had to wrap their brains around and discipline their groins to accept a monogamous lifestyle. Women on the other hand have always hated sharing so they readily embraced the concept of Monogamy!
It’s intriguing that in the Bible, man evolved from Monogamy to Polygamy (and back to Monogamy. Perhaps we’ll return to Polygamy someday). God also placed a spiritual structure in place to accommodate the issue of Polygamy – Headship. In the New Testament, Paul recognizes that there were Christians with more than one wife but advises that if a man should desire a leadership position in the church (specifically deaconhood), he should be Monogamous.
My stand on the issue is this: Adhere to the Law of the Land. God respects norms, customs and laws. If you get married in a Court of Law, Polygamy becomes a crime. However, if you choose the Native Law & Custom route alone, I wish you luck!
Personally, I prefer Monogamy. Perhaps it’s my idealistic/romantic side. Perhaps it’s because I invest so much in a relationship. I understand the “art of detachment” though– the ability to sleep with someone when you’re in love with someone else, (yes, I do admit I have a cold streak), but I have made a deliberate choice to adopt fidelity, and I hope to stick with it. I can relate to why Men sleep around – it usually finds its roots in boredom, the need for adventure, rage or trouble at home. With women, it’s typically loneliness and the desire for validation or kindness. Practical wisdom can usually avert disaster in many relationships, but unfortunately it doesn’t prevent the horny philandering person who deliberately decides to screw around, if they so please!
It’s interesting that when people cheat, we say – He/she cheated on ME! At that point it ceases to be about the person who lost his way and is in need of mercy. It’s about YOU. We hurt God everyday and he forgives. Period. It’s our job to help the cheating one up – we may not get any reward for it on this earth, but showing true love is an uncommon honour that we show to God.
I’m not advocating that people should cheat with impunity. But, conceptually speaking, I used to think that the only thing that could hold people back from sin was a love for and fear of God. But I know better now. Love is not a good enough reason to keep people from sin. People love their spouses yet cheat everyday. David loved God and was a man after God’s heart. Indeed, God said he had a perfect heart, yet he was a murderer and adulterer. So love is not enough.
Moral standards and conscience are also not good enough. Many so-called virgins will get to heaven then realize that they have no reward. They stayed celibate not because of God per se or faith, but because of the fear of sin, getting pregnant, upbringing etc. And many have acted out the entire thing in their minds anyway. With God, thinking carries the same weight as doing. In fact, lying, gossip, nastiness etc carry the same weight as fornication or masturbation. It is only among Christian people and moralists that sex is considered the greatest sin on earth. BULLSHIT.
Recently, I’ve been thinking that the only thing that keeps a man from sinning is the Word of God. There’s a particularly beautiful scripture I know – it says “Thy Word have I hid in my heart that I may not sin against you” (Psalms 119:11).
The Word of God does many things. It renews the mind and changes the heart’s motivations and inclinations, it stabilizes and makes you strong, it changes your very nature and most importantly, through it, God breathes revelation to an otherwise callous mind.
If you’re prone to a particular vice and you fill your heart with the word of God about the subject, someday, your heart and mind will open to the truth. I’m not talking about head knowledge. I mean deep, gut wrenching truth that only God’s word can give. I tell people that the only reason (okay, one of the reasons) I read my bible regularly, is because my mind craves for truth. It stabilizes me. I’m very deep and creative. I have an above average curiosity and sexuality, so you could say I need some sort of gyrostat. Am I using it as a crutch? Perhaps. I’m not proud and readily admit my imperfections and weaknesses. I think the Word of God is the key. It must be – without Faith, it is impossible to please God and faith comes by hearing the word of God.
I’m also particular about what my conscience can handle. All things are lawful, but not all things are expedient. I’m not a fool and I will not try to be anyone else, in a bid to be acceptable, liberal and hip! I may be able to do a lot of things, but are they really “me”? Can I do them with the same confidence with which I am writing this piece? This is me. Some things aren’t. Whatever your conscience considers sin, will be sin to you, even though it may not be sin to another. There may be general standards, but the truth is David ate the hallowed showbread and went away unharmed, while Uzziah attempted to perform a sacrifice and was struck with leprosy. Go figure.
Infidelity will always be a prickly subject. There are no hard and fast rules. Some will decide to opt out of the relationship, others will choose to forgive and forget. There is honour & dignity in both.
Life, oh life!
Stop trying to make the WORLD work for you. It doesn't stop for you to get your act together. It moves on without you.
You are forced to listen to ignorant people everyday, when you have so much more on the inside. But, they have just one advantage they know how to express themselves. You don't.
Trying to make friends with a know-it-all is the single most frustrating relationship experience. There's nothing as annoying as having to listen to someone talk about himself all the time. And when he does allow you to get a word in, he only does so, so he can catch his breath, promptly forget everything you've said, and continue to monopolise the conversation.
Why do guys like girls and girls reciprocate? Why do girls 'hate' guys and guys heartily reciprocate? Why do guys after hating girls then fall hopelessly in love with them?
Why do guys and girls pretend not to like one another, play the age old “cat and mouse” game of fencing, and then fall hopelessly in love with one other?
Why me? Why the heck not you? You're no different from the 10 million other people it happened to!”
You are forced to listen to ignorant people everyday, when you have so much more on the inside. But, they have just one advantage they know how to express themselves. You don't.
Trying to make friends with a know-it-all is the single most frustrating relationship experience. There's nothing as annoying as having to listen to someone talk about himself all the time. And when he does allow you to get a word in, he only does so, so he can catch his breath, promptly forget everything you've said, and continue to monopolise the conversation.
Why do guys like girls and girls reciprocate? Why do girls 'hate' guys and guys heartily reciprocate? Why do guys after hating girls then fall hopelessly in love with them?
Why do guys and girls pretend not to like one another, play the age old “cat and mouse” game of fencing, and then fall hopelessly in love with one other?
Why me? Why the heck not you? You're no different from the 10 million other people it happened to!”
Excerpt from my book
I'm a Nubian queen, a paragon of black beauty, the epitome of unbleached elegance (she laughs!)
I am a black female. A woman am I.”
I am a black female. A woman am I.”
Oh glorious sex!
“It’s not fair! Mama never said there’ll be days like this when your body literally screams to be touched, right here, right now in as many ways as can be fathomed by the human imagination. And, she particularly left out the part about the ache going on for days on end till your body becomes one single-minded pulsating organ. Sigh! I must be going mad! All this because a person’s trying to live right or please God? Comon God, there must be an easier way! I’m only 20-something. Are you saying this is going to go on for an indeterminate period of time? Hell no! I’ve run out of distractions, meditation tricks, scriptures, mental and emotional strength. I am very weary and all I want right now is my very own exclusive dick!”
Phew!! A few weeks ago, this tirade was a constant refrain. I kept on thinking…there must be a better way (read easier way). There must be. Recently, I think I finally found something or perhaps more accurately, it found me.
I had been studying Romans Chapters 6 – 8 and it suddenly hit me! The solution may exist after all! For my non-religious folks, I implore you to just bear it out and read through the following verses. They contain the substance of a logical presentation of a solution for dealing with sexual pressure and other controlling appetites.
The desperation, conflicting passions and persistent desire: Romans 7
15 For I do not understand my own actions [I am baffled, bewildered]. I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very thing that I loathe [which my moral instinct condemns].
19 For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am [ever] doing.
24 Unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death?
Glimmer of hope. A realization that things can be different and one can be in control after all: Romans 6
11 Even so consider yourselves also dead to sin and your relation to it broken, but alive to God [living in unbroken fellowship with Him] in Christ Jesus.
12 Let not sin therefore rule as king in your mortal (short-lived, perishable) bodies, to make you yield to its cravings and be subject to its lusts and evil passions.
14 For sin shall not [any longer] exert dominion over you, since now you are not under Law [as slaves], but under grace [as subjects of God's favor and mercy].
The solution. The strength to live and do right: Romans 8
2 For the law of the Spirit of life [which is] in Christ Jesus [the law of our new being] has freed me from the law of sin and of death.
3 For God has done what the Law could not do, [its power] being weakened by the flesh [the entire nature of man without the Holy Spirit]. Sending His own Son in the guise of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, [God] condemned sin in the flesh [[subdued, overcame, deprived it of its power over all who accept that sacrifice],
5 For those who are according to the flesh and are controlled by its unholy desires set their minds on and pursue those things which gratify the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit and are controlled by the desires of the Spirit set their minds on and seek those things which gratify the [Holy] Spirit.
6 Now the mind of the flesh [which is sense and reason without the Holy Spirit] is death [death that comprises all the miseries arising from sin, both here and hereafter]. But the mind of the [Holy] Spirit is life and [soul] peace [both now and forever].
7[That is] because the mind of the flesh [with its carnal thoughts and purposes] is hostile to God, for it does not submit itself to God's Law; indeed it cannot.
8 So then those who are living the life of the flesh [catering to the appetites and impulses of their carnal nature] cannot please or satisfy God, or be acceptable to Him.
9 But you are not living the life of the flesh, you are living the life of the Spirit, if the [Holy] Spirit of God [really] dwells within you [directs and controls you]. But if anyone does not possess the [Holy] Spirit of Christ, he is none of His [he does not belong to Christ, is not truly a child of God].
14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. [Actual translation reads: “mature” sons of God]
26 So too the [Holy] Spirit comes to our aid and bears us up in our weakness; for we do not know what prayer to offer nor how to offer it worthily as we ought, but the Spirit Himself goes to meet our supplication and pleads in our behalf with unspeakable yearnings and groanings too deep for utterance.
Summarily, it is my submission that the Holy Spirit is the answer. He will provide the strength and energy to beat every raging passion that mystifies me, because the truth is those things can’t dominate me unless I let them. But I have to set my thoughts on him and less on the unwholesome stuff I feed my mind. I guess the truism holds sway – “garbage in, garbage out”.
There’s nothing that renews the mind and toughens you mentally like the Word of God. It’s liberating, joyful, surprising, and oh so deep. It is life itself. As I become more mature and my relationship with God grows, he progressively reveals His truths and directs my steps and thoughts. He strengthens me and increases my capacity to handle the pressures of life and perhaps best of all; he fills me with a peace and stillness that is incomparable.
My exploration of this subject is progressive and I’m still thinking and turning it over in my mind. Contributions and better still, insight will be welcome.
Lessons from my toothpaste tube
It’s 9am on a busy Saturday morning and I’m considering that the only time I get to squeeze out my toothpaste properly, from the bottom up, is on weekends. That’s when I finally smoothen and straighten out a week’s worth of wrinkles and perfunctory squeezes from the side, front, wherever.
This week was a particularly tiring one. I was kept going by a particularly potent synergy of tourine and caffeine (for the uninitiated – Red Bull in the morning, coffee later in the day).
Eventually, as my body woke up after a few vigorous brushes, my mind shifted to a completely unrelated topic, as rambling minds often do. I ruminated on the subject of integrity. Not the kind commonly associated with moral rectitude, but a certain quality that describes a person whose every part is in sync, a man who lives out what he says and who is who he says he is. A man whose actions follow the logical progression of his desires, dreams and thoughts and who possesses a certain measure of singularity and predictability.
I have often found that we are quick to state our position on a matter or express desires, but not as quick to do what it takes to establish them. A person desires professional success but goes to bed exhausted every night without reading a single material that will advance his cause. That cannot be integrity. It must lie within the realm of something else. A man desires to marry Miss World but cannot afford to spend the requisite $1,000 a month on cosmetics to maintain her premium visage. He desires a freak in bed, an uninhibited feminine creation but cannot abide confident women who are at the top of their game. He decries his racist treatment in a foreign country but will deny his daughter’s right to marry from a tribe not his own. A woman desires only the rich & successful; the tall, dark and handsome but is 30 pounds overweight.
If cause truly leads to effect and sowing begets reaping, perhaps we are all delusional or perhaps very very hopeful (translate foolish). Why do we want parts of people and resist accepting the whole -when the seeming undesirables are a critical component of the whole. It is every factor working together that produces the whole. The cons provide a background from which the pros are projected and if the cons are totally annihilated, will the whole still remain?
Perhaps I speak from an uninformed, female perspective, for I find that within the context of relationships, men are always “hopeful” of comprises while women “think” they can change a man. Pray tell, if God did not succeed in changing a man for 30 odd years, what sort of “bottom power” does a woman hope to exert that will perform this feat literally overnight?
I find that it’s quite plausible that many times, we do not even “see” the inconsistencies and lack of integrity. Many times, we aren’t aware anything’s wrong. Perhaps it’s because our thinking has been conditioned to believe and live a lie. Perhaps we are too proud to admit that we are lacking. Perhaps it is culture or religion (not faith) that blinds us. I find that culture and religion will make a man irrational. Having been steeped in them since infancy, he has gradually become programmed. In all honesty, he knows no better. It is only when he opens his heart to understanding and wisdom, when he opens his eyes, when he receives knowledge, when he queries his elders and steps away from the known to the unknown, when he embraces the simple principles of faith, truth, loyalty and such stuff that span cultures and peoples that he can finally become whole.
I so much long to meet people who are quite simply who they are. People who strive to be the best they can be, not the best “someone else”. I long to converse with an individual who will heartily confront the tough questions instead of brushing them aside. Someone who will narrow in on the important and not the fashionable. A Braveheart, a Patriot, an Arthur.
If knowledge and environment are the two things that save us from ourselves, then I pray that God (yes I do believe in Him) will continually grant me the faculty to seek and love knowledge and the strength to escape from every stifling environment. As I grow and mature; as I change and evolve, may my life be an inspiration to many, may my words sear and challenge paradigms and may I never lose my way in this undulating journey we call life.(All this from a toothpaste tube? Na....!)
This week was a particularly tiring one. I was kept going by a particularly potent synergy of tourine and caffeine (for the uninitiated – Red Bull in the morning, coffee later in the day).
Eventually, as my body woke up after a few vigorous brushes, my mind shifted to a completely unrelated topic, as rambling minds often do. I ruminated on the subject of integrity. Not the kind commonly associated with moral rectitude, but a certain quality that describes a person whose every part is in sync, a man who lives out what he says and who is who he says he is. A man whose actions follow the logical progression of his desires, dreams and thoughts and who possesses a certain measure of singularity and predictability.
I have often found that we are quick to state our position on a matter or express desires, but not as quick to do what it takes to establish them. A person desires professional success but goes to bed exhausted every night without reading a single material that will advance his cause. That cannot be integrity. It must lie within the realm of something else. A man desires to marry Miss World but cannot afford to spend the requisite $1,000 a month on cosmetics to maintain her premium visage. He desires a freak in bed, an uninhibited feminine creation but cannot abide confident women who are at the top of their game. He decries his racist treatment in a foreign country but will deny his daughter’s right to marry from a tribe not his own. A woman desires only the rich & successful; the tall, dark and handsome but is 30 pounds overweight.
If cause truly leads to effect and sowing begets reaping, perhaps we are all delusional or perhaps very very hopeful (translate foolish). Why do we want parts of people and resist accepting the whole -when the seeming undesirables are a critical component of the whole. It is every factor working together that produces the whole. The cons provide a background from which the pros are projected and if the cons are totally annihilated, will the whole still remain?
Perhaps I speak from an uninformed, female perspective, for I find that within the context of relationships, men are always “hopeful” of comprises while women “think” they can change a man. Pray tell, if God did not succeed in changing a man for 30 odd years, what sort of “bottom power” does a woman hope to exert that will perform this feat literally overnight?
I find that it’s quite plausible that many times, we do not even “see” the inconsistencies and lack of integrity. Many times, we aren’t aware anything’s wrong. Perhaps it’s because our thinking has been conditioned to believe and live a lie. Perhaps we are too proud to admit that we are lacking. Perhaps it is culture or religion (not faith) that blinds us. I find that culture and religion will make a man irrational. Having been steeped in them since infancy, he has gradually become programmed. In all honesty, he knows no better. It is only when he opens his heart to understanding and wisdom, when he opens his eyes, when he receives knowledge, when he queries his elders and steps away from the known to the unknown, when he embraces the simple principles of faith, truth, loyalty and such stuff that span cultures and peoples that he can finally become whole.
I so much long to meet people who are quite simply who they are. People who strive to be the best they can be, not the best “someone else”. I long to converse with an individual who will heartily confront the tough questions instead of brushing them aside. Someone who will narrow in on the important and not the fashionable. A Braveheart, a Patriot, an Arthur.
If knowledge and environment are the two things that save us from ourselves, then I pray that God (yes I do believe in Him) will continually grant me the faculty to seek and love knowledge and the strength to escape from every stifling environment. As I grow and mature; as I change and evolve, may my life be an inspiration to many, may my words sear and challenge paradigms and may I never lose my way in this undulating journey we call life.(All this from a toothpaste tube? Na....!)
Loneliness, pigheadedness and the dating conundrum
When loneliness hits you, it’s easy to throw high minded, high falutin idealistic concepts out the window and just settle for what’s available. When you’re young, ‘nailing’ a suitor is almost a reflexive action. As you get older and suitors become far and in between, in your desperation, you surprisingly begin to accommodate all sorts of crap.
I’ve had a couple of ‘near misses’ with love. Somehow, love hasn’t quite been able to hold on to me yet, but I have experienced the pain of ‘the end’. In the midst of the end of a relationship, my heart feels like it’s going to explode and I literally ache for the object of my desire. So you can imagine my surprise when a few months later the desire cools and I’m right back to normal. It’s as if the relationship never burned as hot and it was all a dream.
I think that romance is a make-believe phenomenon where everything is a product of fertile imagination and deliberate actions, and things exist simply because you want them to. The relationship eventually sours when the other person stops acting according to a pre-programmed script and begins to ‘malfunction’.
Lately, I don’t have the reserves of emotional energy to build a relationship with someone that’s difficult to communicate with or whose temperament or method of processing information is fundamentally different from mine. I do not desire to speak Latin to someone who’s only fluent in Greek. I’m learning that there’s a thin line between love and hate called ‘perpetual conflict’. There are some people that you seem to always fight with. I’m not quite sure how it happens. Maybe it’s an unspoken negotiation or battle of wits or just plain pride and stubbornness. But you begin to argue about everything and anything, even after a wonderful day together. The amount of headache, emotional heartache, bitterness and friction that ensues is simply not worth it.
People who may have otherwise become good friends suddenly become sworn enemies. If you’re in such a relationship, get out fast! The arguments never end and eventually, the relationship will break up, with much pain, bitterness and scars. It’s obvious that one or both of you are immature, proud and superior and no one wants to give in. Even if someone eventually gives in, it will be grudgingly and with resentment, so just get out and look for someone you can be with without all that ‘agro’.
I’ve been considering the dating conundrum as well. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I seem to possess the gift of being able to tell the substance a person is made of within minutes of meeting. Sometimes, I don’t even need to speak with them. I can just tell by observation alone. What this means is I can usually tell whether a relationship with a guy will turn into something serious right off the bat. Strangely, even when I give the guy the benefit of the doubt, ignoring my instincts and allowing for a period to get to know him, the things that eventually break up the relationship are the things I chose to ignore at the beginning. So now, I find myself in a quandary. Is it fair to date a guy when you know the relationship can never lead to anything meaningful? Doesn’t that amount to using him? And how do you parallax that with your needs – loneliness, horniness and the need for male companionship? Sometimes, a body simply longs to be held! I’m not sure what the solution is. If anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears.
I’ve had a couple of ‘near misses’ with love. Somehow, love hasn’t quite been able to hold on to me yet, but I have experienced the pain of ‘the end’. In the midst of the end of a relationship, my heart feels like it’s going to explode and I literally ache for the object of my desire. So you can imagine my surprise when a few months later the desire cools and I’m right back to normal. It’s as if the relationship never burned as hot and it was all a dream.
I think that romance is a make-believe phenomenon where everything is a product of fertile imagination and deliberate actions, and things exist simply because you want them to. The relationship eventually sours when the other person stops acting according to a pre-programmed script and begins to ‘malfunction’.
Lately, I don’t have the reserves of emotional energy to build a relationship with someone that’s difficult to communicate with or whose temperament or method of processing information is fundamentally different from mine. I do not desire to speak Latin to someone who’s only fluent in Greek. I’m learning that there’s a thin line between love and hate called ‘perpetual conflict’. There are some people that you seem to always fight with. I’m not quite sure how it happens. Maybe it’s an unspoken negotiation or battle of wits or just plain pride and stubbornness. But you begin to argue about everything and anything, even after a wonderful day together. The amount of headache, emotional heartache, bitterness and friction that ensues is simply not worth it.
People who may have otherwise become good friends suddenly become sworn enemies. If you’re in such a relationship, get out fast! The arguments never end and eventually, the relationship will break up, with much pain, bitterness and scars. It’s obvious that one or both of you are immature, proud and superior and no one wants to give in. Even if someone eventually gives in, it will be grudgingly and with resentment, so just get out and look for someone you can be with without all that ‘agro’.
I’ve been considering the dating conundrum as well. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I seem to possess the gift of being able to tell the substance a person is made of within minutes of meeting. Sometimes, I don’t even need to speak with them. I can just tell by observation alone. What this means is I can usually tell whether a relationship with a guy will turn into something serious right off the bat. Strangely, even when I give the guy the benefit of the doubt, ignoring my instincts and allowing for a period to get to know him, the things that eventually break up the relationship are the things I chose to ignore at the beginning. So now, I find myself in a quandary. Is it fair to date a guy when you know the relationship can never lead to anything meaningful? Doesn’t that amount to using him? And how do you parallax that with your needs – loneliness, horniness and the need for male companionship? Sometimes, a body simply longs to be held! I’m not sure what the solution is. If anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Marriage: Populist Notions vs. Christianity
For most of my life I've tried to come to a definite philosophical position on marriage. An unshakable ideology that will guide my decision to get married and keep me married. I'd listened to all the populist notions about marriage but found them lacking.
If these populist, Oprah-centric assertions are true & sure then America wouldn't have a divorce rate of over 50%! Husbands wouldn't be cheating on their wives at the alarming rate they do. [A visit to a popular bar may very well reveal your married male friends (without their wedding bands) consorting with “women of easy virtue!” Alternatively, you may be prone to regular bouts of depression because your male friends always seem to be confessing their "sexual misdemenours" when they're thousands of miles away from their wives!] And the wives are not exempt. They’re equally screwing around!
Many of the populist notions instruct you that marriage is simply about the following: Companionship, ensuring your bloodline, marrying your best friend, not being alone, legal sex, maturity, responsibility... the list is endless. For those who don't really have a clue, they say it's just something to do when you get to a certain age. It's natural. Apparently, populist theory posits that marriage is a “no-brainer”. Simply follow the directions and everything will turn out just right. [What a load of surface crap!]
I've listened to and researched the populist ideas - some are plausible, others are just plain nonsense. So, as I try to form an ideology on marriage, I return to the fundamentals of my existence, the thing that defines me, my raison d'etre. I return to God. For you see as a Christian, everything I do must take place within the confines of my faith or else I might as well not bear Christ's name or confess to living within the boundaries of his principles. I may as well live my life according to the principles of the world and at least maintain some measure of singularity and integrity. I must be true to who I am, even on the subject of marriage. Anything else is chaos in the making.
As I consider God's word about marriage - things I've learnt & things I've discovered - matters have become much clearer. At this point i must admit that everything sensible that i know is a result of the different environments i've found myself in - my family, church, school, work, friends - I can't claim any credit for anything. What I've learned over the years is this - Marriage has more to do with accomplishing God's purpose than just a contractual or romantic arrangement. He created the institution, so if I am to do it right, I must go to the Design Architect for directions.
The first step I think, is to find out what God wants me to do in life. Why am I here? Which direction would he have me go? Perhaps if I discover that, then I may learn to my surprise that marriage may not even be in the picture at all (for example, Paul the Apostle). Why are we humans so presumptuous that we always go off to "plan our lives" and do what we want to do without due recourse to the one who owns our very existence, the one who bought us completely with someone else's sacrifice? I really do not know. But this I do know, no one should get married until he's mature enough to know exactly where he's going and what direction God is leading him. It makes a hell of a difference in your choice of a spouse, as you tend to be more selective about whom you marry. And it means you don't take another precious human being along on a wild goose chase.
If God's plan for me includes marriage, then I must delve into his mind concerning the subject. A woman is meant to be a helper, right? Then it means that in a marriage, the primary objective should be achieving the purpose of God for the man. Your success as a wife as defined by God, is how far you were able to "help" the man accomplish God's plan for his life. That's the order in marriage. In a war, you cannot have two primary objectives: there's only one. The others are secondary objectives. And it may be that God's design is that as you help the man to achieve His plan, God himself ensures that you achieve your dreams as well. Because if you obey, God honours you. I think that's what the principle of headship is all about. The picture of marriage in scripture is the picture of Jesus and his bride-the church. Jesus is the head of the church. The man is the head of the home, the captain; he provides direction for the family, the same way Jesus provides direction for the church. The church doesn't fulfill its own agenda. It exists to "help" Jesus fulfill his agenda on earth. Perhaps if we look more closely at the relationship of the church with Jesus, it may become easier for women to understand what "submission" is all about and we may just stop resisting so much!
In terms of choosing a husband, again I refer to the Design Architect. If Jesus has a clear agenda for the church to execute, the first thing I need to look for in a man is his purpose, vision and dreams. Is he clear about what he wants to do in life or is he still searching and scattered - unstable. Does he really know how he fits into God's overarching plan? Or is he still young and immature - chasing shadows? Is he strong, a leader? Like Jesus, does he know how to love, lay down his life for me or is he selfish and proud? Like Jesus, is he better than me, more prosperous, more mature? Does he have what it takes to lead me, perfect me; present me spotless and unblemished to my Father?
Perhaps these considerations are the starting point not all the "stuff" populist philosophy tells us to look out for.
On the subject of in-laws, does the man understand that he is instructed to "leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife" or will his wife simply be a minor equation in a larger extended family?
As per children, it would seem to me that the era of being fruitful and multiplying is over, at least in Africa. That directive was given when there were just 2 people on a big earth. With the population problems in Africa, I'm not sure that’s the primary objective anymore. I think that in this dispensation, God is more concerned about generational imperatives, raising children to impact their generations and fulfill God's plan on earth. It's interesting that the Design Architect tells us to "train up a child in the way he should go so that he may be true to that instruction when he's all grown up". In other words, the success of parenting will be measured by how much of God's word and instruction the parents were able to transfer and how useful that child eventually becomes in his generation. In church, I learnt that one of the reasons God was willing to reveal secrets to Abraham was because he knew he would teach his children to follow God. I haven't worked it all out yet.
Sometimes I really get troubled at the pressures young, urban Christians face. We seem to be marrying out of a need to escape loneliness and sexual pressure. I'm a rational being so even in the midst of emotional turmoil; I know what the right thing to do is, even if I deliberately choose wrong. I try to identify the ideal and strive for that even if I fall short, time and again. I will never be perfect and quite honestly I’m not even sure it’s something I aspire to on this earth. I think a lot of the mistakes we make are as a result of limited information, cultural and religious conditioning. I think the greatest deliverance God does in a man's life is to flood his mind with TRUTH. Only truth can make you free. It means we are all in progressive stages of bondage and the more truth we imbibe the freer we become. I never want to lose the gift of being able to challenge assumptions and ask questions. I never want to lose the precious privilege of having people around me who I can share my troubles and questions with.
I think as more urban Christians speak out, come out of their shells and simply just TALK, we will learn from the collective intelligence, experiences and truth we have imbibed and perhaps be saved from the traumatic mistakes that can wipe out an entire generation of potential. Everyday I pray, I do not become like the Israelites who wasted an entire generation roaming around in blind ignorance of the weight of what they had missed, because their minds were too closed and fearful to believe the truth staring them in the face. I pray that God may continually beat me over the head with truth so that even when I'm downright stubborn and disobedient, he may still show me his love by lighting a very hot fire under my chair till I get up!I'm hoping to get married someday. I don’t know when or to whom. But everyday, my purpose becomes much clearer and surer and for that first step, I am eternally grateful
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