This is not poetry

I wish you would love me for my intensity
I wish you would love me for the heart & soul of me

I wish you would love my mind
And not think me too intelligent or unkind

I wish you would love my naivete
My idealism & dreams

I wish you would love the bitch in me
The side of me that likes to be naughty

I wish you would love my efficiency
And my slight affliction of OCD

I wish you would love me older & wiser
I wish you would love me prouder & bolder

I wish you would love my music & words
I wish you would love my Father & God

I wish you would love talking with me
Travelling & reading with me

I wish you would love teaching me
I wish you would love making love to me

I wish you would love our life together
My quaint sense of forever

I simply wish you would love me
But first I guess you must find me...


"Dedicated to the one I yearn to love with all my heart"

Download my published book, No Bullshit Vol. 1

To commemorate my birthday, i am making NO BULLSHIT Vol. 1 available for viewing and download at www.nobullshitsite.com. Kindly circulate the link to spread the word. Also, i would like your feedback, which you can give on the Facebook group page for No Bullshit. Thanks.

On Friendship

This note began as an innocuous status update on Facebook, which I shall paraphrase here: “Adesubomi Plumptre is thinking that we do not appreciate friendship and its life changing impact enough. In the next few weeks I will be writing notes to my friends describing what I absolutely love about them and what they mean to me”.

My status update has got me thinking about the true value of friends.

There are friends we get along superbly with; people we’re completely comfortable with and can say just about anything to; friends who make us laugh At some point in your life, you may have had one or two and they have enriched your life greatly.

A rarer kind of friend is the one that inspires you; always speaks the truth and provides a mirror that challenges you to be better than you are. They help you grow; are a font of wisdom and teach you something new anytime you’re with them. In your quiet moments, you acknowledge that your life has been changed because of something they said or did. You know you’ll never be the same because you met them. In some measure, you became who you are today because of them.

These are the friends you should especially hold on to, for dear life. They are precious beyond measure. Just like sexual attraction, if a friendship isn’t fed, the bonds weaken and the individuals eventually drift apart. Friendship demands a definite rhythm and schedule.

I have found a parallel in my relationship with God. Anytime I set out a specific day or time to talk to him, after a couple of weeks, I find that he’s there waiting for me. It’s almost like he’s excited that I came when I said I would. Friendships are like that. We unconsciously reserve a space in our lives, hearts and schedules for those who strike a definite friendship rhythm with us.

For some, it’s football matches on Saturdays, for others it’s drinks every Thursday. For others, it’s a once-in-a month lunch or a once-in-a year reunion. Whatever it is, regularity and consistency help you maintain the bonds of friendship. And it takes effort to maintain that rhythm, for we are all ostensibly busy.

I have heard it said that some friendships are meant to fulfill a specific purpose in your life, after which they fade away. Perhaps. But don’t be so quick to throw away your friendships. I know your heart can only hold so many people, but still maintain cordial relationships. I am learning this. I never used to be the acquaintance type. You were either a friend or not. I am changing. I am learning to celebrate friends, to give gifts to them, to go out of my way to make them happy, make them laugh or feel loved. I plan to begin with those notes I promised in my status update.

Explorations of a Horny State of Mind: PART TWO

I am ovulating. This means that my horny state of mind has now become a physical reality. The distant rumbling has become a louder growl which rudely cuts into my internal conversations. At times, I feel like telling Shosho (my alter ego) to simply quiet down...After all, can’t you see I’m busy here!

My previous tome ended with the observation that it’s easy to resist temptation when it just isn’t there. You see, as I emerged from my teeny bopper years, a strange thing happened to me. I stopped being physically attracted to guys just because they looked like Denzel Washington. My first crush was a tall, serious looking guy with gorgeous stubble - a physical archetype that I confess my heart still goes aflutter over. But, as I grew older and my brain became my primary sexual organ, the level of sexual attraction was usually determined five minutes into the conversation, whether by text, phone call, chat or face-to-face. I've discovered that there are male versions of “dumb blondes”, good to look at – veritable eye candy – but essentially cold water to any form of fire. I call them preening peaCOCKS:-) It’s different for guys, I suppose – the ability to separate a physical need from good conversation and company, but for me, it just makes for very boring intimacy.

My friend was teasing me yesterday about offering his 'services' to me free-of-charge. I had mentioned that it’d been a while since I was thoroughly kissed. Yes, there’s some attraction, but like a buddy once told me – and then what? What happens next? After you get your groove on, then...? Perhaps I desire something of the more permanent variety.

I’m thinking this blog should help me think about what is really important to me in a guy. They say every lady has a LIST – you know the proverbial list of things that she desires in a man. Well, my list has evolved and been whittled down so much over the years that I need to stop for a moment to figure out what’s there right now. I will do two separate lists: What Makes Me Sexually Attracted To A Guy and What Makes A Guy Relationship Material.

I’m doing separate lists because I learnt that sexual attraction is amoral. It flares up and takes hold of your brain (and nether parts) irrespective of whether the guy is physically attractive, unattractive, single, married, of another religious or political bias or if he simply annoys you. Once certain factors are present in a guy, YOU WILL be attracted to him, despite your denial. All you can do is DECIDE whether or not you’ll respond to the attraction or how fast you’ll flee. Just because you're attracted to a guy doesn't make him good relationship material.

So, here goes my lists:

LIST ONE: WHAT MAKES ME SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO A GUY

1. Confidence: I’m not sure where guys get their confidence: Money, Intellectual Firepower, Self Esteem, Good Upbringing, Height, Good Looks, A Knowledge of Being Loved and Accepted...whatever it is...the thought of a guy who's truly not intimidated by me, doesn’t have anything to prove, can tell me exactly what he’s going to do to me and then grab me to whisk me off to bed to summarily show me, is quite intoxicating

2. Intellect & wisdom: I value deep unhurried conversations

3. Exposure: Cultural exposure is important to me. I love to joust verbally and also enjoy witty crazy conversations that make my sides burst with laughter. It’s hard to do this with a guy who’s not well read and exposed. Also, like a friend said: if you enjoy a man talking dirty to you, it sort of spoils the fun if he does so with a thick Yoruba accent!

4. Wit: An ability to make me laugh and feel like a mischievous child again. Someone who brings out Shosho, and gives Subomi a break for a change

5. A good heart: Someone I intuitively trust

LIST TWO: WHAT MAKES A GUY RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL

1. All of the above
2. His ideology: Should be non-traditional and completely centred on the teachings of a Jewish Carpenter who dared to be God
3. Obvious prosperity: I am allergic to poverty
4. Kindness and long suffering: Em...I can be em.. .difficult at times:-)
5. Friendship: Someone who has proven his friendship over time

So, there's my list. Mmn...who'd have thought?

Explorations of a Horny State of Mind

I am perhaps one of very few women who actually experience joy at the realisation that they didn’t get married in their 20s. The thought of being married without knowing what I know now positively frightens me, especially having been privy to the internal workings of quite a few marriages and breakups.

I wouldn’t trade the character forging, humility and wisdom that have been garnered, nor the painful lessons learned for anything.

I admit that there are challenges this 30-odd urban female experiences that I didn’t even think about when I was 20-something. I thank the Lord that certain troubles come during specific phases of life. I am pained when I see young people dealing with the problems of older folk, most especially when their parents die young or they are traumatically stripped of their childhood innocence – rape or sudden poverty will do that to you.

Today, I began thinking about my 20s because of a question a friend sent to me by SMS this morning. He wanted to know what I now do when I’m horny, having been privy to my internal struggles on the subject in the last couple of years. In preparing to answer his question, I was struck by a terrifying realisation – I hadn’t been earth-shatteringly, intensely horny in a while…I mean there were respectable rumblings…but not of the irrational-give me any live man- variety.

Now I know all my relevant anatomical parts are in good condition so it can’t be a medical issue. Could I be tired from work and psychologically traumatised by Lagos traffic? Was it because I had been down with the flu a few weeks back and only had thoughts of getting well? What happened to the glorious horny state of my 20s? Was it the recent lack of use of my equipment?!! Will getting laid bring back those sunny rainbow moments?:-) Sigh!

But wait, I digress.

Having thought about my friend’s question for a while, I responded by saying that I hadn’t summarily turned off the font from which all sexual desire spouts. I was just a bit weary. Weary of the incessant conflict between principle and desire; moral rectitude and pulsating hormones. Weary of navigating the aggressive or unspoken needs of men; of studying the pros and cons of barrier and hormonal prophylactics; of having to ask whether I’m pro-life or not; of considering and dealing with substitutable relievers like masturbation and oddly named contraptions…I was just tired.

A decade ago, I entered a brave new world of sexual awareness and discovery…now my brain and heart work overtime as they overflow with words like fairness, commitment, friendship, love, passion, gentleness…

My priorities have shifted. The older I grow, the more aware I am of purpose and of doing things that truly matter. I am more interested in giving and sharing. I have less patience for the intrigues of relationships or the subtleties of a frail ego. I am quick to speak the truth and more eager to hear it. I am no longer uncomfortable with my unwillingness to be uncomfortable nor do I shy away from the fact that I have means which aren’t depleting anytime soon. Interestingly, I am more willing to be a better person and to understand people than I used to be. I have been shown my shortcomings too often to be prideful.

I think a shift in priorities and maybe a greater focus on TRUTH has replaced the passionate storm with a quiet rumble. Or maybe I’m just old:-)

Finally, I mentioned to my friend that not having an outlet forces you to harness your passions or run mad. Having said a teary goodbye to fire, ice & dynamite without purpose or at the very least mental engagement, my options are sorely limited. It’s easier to resist temptation when it just isn’t there, isn’t it?:-) What thinkest thou?

Generational Irrelevance

During the TV broadcast of the 2009 Grammy Awards (the world’s most prestigious industry award for music), I watched as Whitney Houston mounted the stage in a magnificent dress to do the first presentation. As I considered the frown lines on her beautiful aging visage and her slightly incoherent (and I must add, over-dramatic) presentation, 2 things suddenly occurred to me:

1. I am much older than I realise
2. Whitney Houston is no longer very relevant to this generation of music buyers and listeners

You see, I grew up on Whitney, Micheal, Bobby, Anita, Mariah and Teddy (Riley not Pendergrass). A few years ago, music industry executives would have told you that the traditional music buying and MTV demographic spanned the 16-25 yr age range. This is changing. With the rise of the internet and by extension –instantaneous global information access and file sharing, that demographic is getting younger and younger. Music appeals to all age groups and music videos, no matter how raunchy still merit a Universal rating and can be viewed by children.

This neo-generation wasn’t born at the height of Whitney’s fame. They didn’t watch Bodyguard or for that matter Thriller. Any wonder that Michael Jackson is considered a living legend or freak show? They never saw him do the Moonwalk at Motown 25, so who the hell is he to define dance?

In musical history parlance, this is the age of the “tweens” – Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift and The Jonas Brothers define the era. They are the new role models and pop stars. Music is getting younger folks and it’s been that way since the rise of the 90s boy bands and record label group creations. Presidents may fete Stevie Wonder but the public adores and buys Miley Cyrus!

In an age where Britney Spears reached her peak at 26(!), something is definitely shifting. Think about it, people like Britney, Beyonce and John Mayer have lived the entire career of established rockers. An average 26-year old pop star has been married, divorced, had 2 kids, won 4 Grammies, an Oscar, performed across all 4 continents, bought a Lamborghini, a summer home in Provence, served a jail term, been to rehab and back, posed for Playboy/girl, directed and starred in a R-music video, been photographed doing drugs, gotten born again, came out of the closet, been a UN Ambassador, been charged with Assault and Battery…..you catch my drift.

I often wonder about the immense pressure that must be on these stars. They have literally lived entire lives in a quarter of a lifetime.

Back to Whitney. The other night, I also listened to her “come-back” song…you know, the duet with Akon that was as tepid to a musical perfectionist as Mase’s come-back song was uninspiring. It hit me then…that Whitney really can no longer be relevant to this neo-generation. It is no longer her time. I admit that some people have tried to reinvent themselves over and over…Madonna did it…R.Kelly is still doing it…but my argument is that Madonna is a singularity, a unique individual who carved out a space - she created it and then dominated it. R.Kelly became a masterful innovator…transiting from New Jack Swing and youthful R “n” B to a more mature “Soul” reminiscent of Marvin Gaye. He has now metamorphosed into a storyteller and Pied Piper. Innovation and reinvention has bought him some time…but ultimately we will begin to get that nagging feeling that something’s off if he does one more duet with someone who’s young enough to be his son (Usher in Same Girl).

Innovation should not be underemphasised…it sustains careers and helps artists mine tremendous value from their talents. But I have never met an artist in Nigeria who took a strategic approach to their career. As I began to catalogue what it took to succeed as an artist in Nigeria, I was amazed (and saddened) that for many, it’s still a hit-or-miss affair…It seems artists succeed by stroke of luck or fate or whatever…it’s rarely “deliberately created”. Because the artiste doesn’t know how he succeeded, he also doesn’t know how to sustain or reinvent it.

Why did Styl Plus’ 3rd album stink? Why did Tuface even bother with his latest effort? What created D’Banj? What is creating M.I? Why is Modenine not as relevant as he used to be? Why did we barely notice his last album? And why are artistes not paying any attention to the lessons of history? Sigh.

Now, let’s discuss some IT…Mark Zuckerberg (now 24 yrs old), was uniquely positioned to create Facebook at the time he did. He was 19 at the time, and in the thick of youth culture on a Harvard campus. Today, Bill Gates no longer plays the role of IT whizzkid…he’s shifted priorities to focus on healthcare in the 3rd World. Steve Jobs is ill and getting old and tired. Jerry Yang has been eased into oblivion. The Google boys are enjoying their moment in the sun for a while before being replaced by 20-something year olds.

The thing is, at some point, in every field , the baton must be handed over…indeed you only have a short whilee to enjoy the fleeting nature of fame and then you must slide into generational irrelevance…or more precisely…you then need to take stock, refocus, restrategise and find new relevance in matters that concern an older generation. You cannot sell old stuff to new kids. A person always exists within a generational context. National politics is best played by a generation that has achieved professional and financial clout. But student politics is the domain of youths.

The truth is, whichever generation you belong to, there is a specific role for to be played. Do it quickly before your time is up. Perhaps if you fulfill your role well enough, the impact will spill over to other generations. For instance, I will buy a Jonas Brothers CD if it moves me, although I do not belong to their generation. They will own a share of my mind and money simply by being the best at what they do. But I am not their primary market. So, it is true that you can influence other generations when you successfully focus on yours. I am reminded of the words of the Biblical Chronicler…“David served God in his generation”. There are things that a man is uniquely gifted to do, but if he doesn’t do it soon, it will become irrelevant.

Again, during the 2009 Grammies, four hip hop stars - Kanye West, T.I, Lil’ Wayne and Jay Z performed Swagger Like Us. Once upon a time, Jay Z would have been the highpoint of the performance. Amazingly, he barely registered against the backdrop of brilliant and fresh talent like Kanye West’s or even Lil’ Wayne. Perhaps, it’s time for Jay Z to reinvent himself.

You know it’s time to reinvent yourself when you used to be the smartest person in the room, or the best singer or the best entertainer and then one day you wake up to find that other people are. There are talents deep within you. And those talents are for your generation. Perhaps it’s time to grow up, stop bemoaning the good old days and consider how you can be relevant now.

“One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven”. King Solomon, 967 B.C

On the Brink of Anarchy

A few days ago I tried to figure out why the Nigerian Police has not embarked on a shooting spree in Lagos, Nigeria; maiming and killing as they go.

It is surely not the presence of overarching law and order.
It isn’t our non-existent forensic technology that will ultimately ensure their apprehension.
It isn’t the terrified eyewitnesses to whom it is no concern.
It isn’t the good people in the corridors of power whose voices will ultimately be silenced and who will eventually be disgraced out of office.
It isn’t the multitude of Facebook groups appropriately titled: “Nigerians Against Police Brutality” or “1,000,000 Nigerians Decry Police Violence”.
It isn’t this article buried among millions of others.
It isn’t prayers to a God who has just about given up on a lazy generation that can’t seem to use what he’s freely given efficiently.

I reasoned that our Policemen haven’t gone on a shooting spree (even when its so blindingly obvious that they can get away with it) is because of whatever shred of decency they have left and the fact that their psychological state hasn’t degenerated to the abysmal level of their paycheck! In other words, we’re entirely dependent on their goodwill!

Another thought: For those who routinely pass by Law School (Adeola Hopewell Street)in Victoria Island, Lagos at night, it is not an uncommon sight to see Policemen bundling prostitutes into their vans, as group sex is exchanged for the right to ply a trade. Is it any wonder then, that men who are used to demanding for sex free-of-charge from the disadvantaged sex would stop on a Lagos Street at 10pm and bundle a group of innocent female friends enroute a nightclub, and not be punished for it?

As seemingly good government officials are routinely asked to resign, disgraced, harassed or hounded by the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), is it any wonder that there are fewer and fewer role models?

How do you convince a young man in Nigeria that if he studies, works hard, lives right and is diligent, he’ll be rewarded, when he’s entirely surrounded by the contrary? After all, we celebrate the 419 kingpin when he comes home for the holidays and accord him multiple chieftaincy titles. His only fear is of being kidnapped. Practically anyone can be kidnapped nowadays.

And if you haven’t noticed, women are being raped and assaulted in broad daylight. Even traditional clothing is deemed too sexual if the straps are any thinner than a foot wide!

In Lagos, we are bowing under the weight of Task Forces – every check point is seemingly illegal and traffic cops will demand for bribes with very few exceptions. It has become a way of life; the cost of doing business. It seems progression and beautification of a State must come at the price of totalitarianism, brute force, extortion and impunity.

The goings on have made me very very angry. I am angry because the solutions will only come from my generation (the previous one having mortgaged the future). Yet, I am worried at the damage that has been wreaked on our minds. Our arms are so weak; the burdens we bear so unnaturally heavy. And in the midst of it all, our country cries for salvation. Our country demands action not rhetoric or excuses.

We have an ongoing crisis of Leadership. Sacrificial, “it-must-be-done-or-I-die leadership”! Not just political leadership but individual leadership. Our generation is so busy, busy, busy that we leave leadership and engagement to louts, touts, layabouts and self seeking sycophants. Increasingly, our intellectual inferiors are becoming political leaders, simply because they had the time to attend the political meetings and run for office. We can’t all engage directly, but we can sponsor and empower those who can. We can all become political godfathers in one way or another.

We can all do the right thing at work, home, on the street, because that’s the way it ought to be and that is how it will be once again. The alternative is an evil unthinkable future.

For years, I have steadily and consciously been building a network of good, honorable people. The people I call the Leaders of the New Generation. I have sworn to stick by them, for without support and the encouragement that comes from knowing they are not alone; without constant conversation, they will lose hope and fall into the morass. I have pledged my life to helping them succeed with my money, resources, networks, intellect and time. I do believe that:

One man will make a difference
One man will change the world
One man will defeat the evil
One man will be sent, called, empowered or simply volunteer when there’s no one else
One man will arise in my lifetime.