Over the weekend and the better part of Monday, i was terribly ill. In my illness, i understood how people with migraines cease to function. I also experienced a strange empathy for ulcer ridden individuals because of the acid constantly churning in my stomach.
I was ill because i was worried and gripped by an irrational fear.
Fear paralyses the mind and motor functions. All you want to do is escape, sleep, be saved, have it over and done with. But how can you overcome a situation that is totally out of your control and all you can do is wait for the outcome? I felt impotent, blindsided, like i was on the edge of a precipice and at any moment my life could take a sharp, ugly, unpredictable turn. How could i be so stupid? Could i really have gone into this with my eyes open? Despite the warning bells in my head, could i have proceeded so rebelliously?
I became humbled and humiliated as i begged, negotiated and wept to the unseen Holies. I pledged to get off my pedestal, to empathise more, shut up, talk less, judge none. I promised to do better if i was given a second (or is it third) chance. To be more responsible, wiser, restrained.
It is extremely hard to succeed in life. For many, the sheer fear and weight of uncertainty cripples initiative and action. The comfort zone is preferred to the great unknown.
In my fear i broke boundaries i had determined never to cross. In my desperate negotiations and scenario planning, i broached outcomes i had vowed never to contemplate. I became a despicable nothing, as life continued unrelentingly and unconcerned around me. I became human, a woman, a gnat.
If faith is the opposite of fear and love overcomes it then my faith and love must be measly things. I know that now. As midnight approached and salvation was handed to me, i felt relief but also a deep sadness and shame at the lessons i had failed and the person i saw myself becoming. But, i understood. I understood humanity better; my heart and head expanded to accomodate actions and inactions, flaws and irrational selfish evils. It was a lesson well taught though horribly learned. I am determined to never come back to this place. Never. Never. Until next time, that is.
Subomi Plumptre's Blog: Thoughts, beliefs and expressions
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Men & Women at their "STUPIDEST"!
I've been tired this week and a bit soul weary. I really didn't feel like writing a blog anytime soon, even though thoughts have been buzzing through my mind incessantly. It would seem that my mind rarely stops working, no matter how tired my body seems to be.
A while ago, it occured to me that if you want to observe a man at his "stupidest", watch him when he's fighting with another man. Closely observe the arrogant boastings and sputtered declarative statements. The chest heaving and nostril flaring. The sheer pride, arrogance and affronted vanity. The desire to impose will and self. The irrational anger. The attempt to reconstruct moves watched long ago in a kung-fu film. The pretense, posturing and excuses. And, the shame thereafter.
With women, it's when they're in love. They seem to enter into a mental state that blinds them to the truth. Or maybe they are just seeking some happiness. Consider the excuses for bad behaviour. The "I've gone too far. I can't turn back now" despair. The thinking that the opinions of people who have known and loved them for 20-odd years don't matter in the light of a love they've had for 3 months. The idolisation. The clinging. And, the shame thereafter
Why is it that men will proclaim another a pal or best friend even when that friend is a shitty excuse for a human being. Someone who repeatedly stabs them in the back, treats their girlfriend like dirt, often beating her up and cheating on her with the friend's full knowledge. I understand the concept of loyalty, especially to someone who's been there for you. But loyalty can be exercised from afar, not in such close quarters. If it's possible to know a person by the friends they keep then, what do the actions of your friend (and your ability to stomach them) say about you? Perhaps, that you're a person with double standards. Eventually that friend will turn around to bite you in the ass. I remember how a particular boyfriend of mine used to be so tight with his best friend. After, the friend hit on me, i realised that not only did my boyfriend choose to be deliberately blind to the true nature of his friend, but that the friend would eventually continue his habit of betrayal in years to come. Eventually, i cut off from both.
As i write this, I wonder whether my blogs serve their purpose. Originally they were conceived as a catharsis for my soul. A place to let go of pain, confusion, inconsistencies and troubling thoughts. Now i wonder if they don't just amplify them. If they are like desperate shouts in a vacuum that return no echo, no corresponding notes.
I do know i am not a lone voice. There are other "mad people out there". Perhaps, their medium is not words, yet they stand tall and proud on some other tract of universe. Mmn...
A while ago, it occured to me that if you want to observe a man at his "stupidest", watch him when he's fighting with another man. Closely observe the arrogant boastings and sputtered declarative statements. The chest heaving and nostril flaring. The sheer pride, arrogance and affronted vanity. The desire to impose will and self. The irrational anger. The attempt to reconstruct moves watched long ago in a kung-fu film. The pretense, posturing and excuses. And, the shame thereafter.
With women, it's when they're in love. They seem to enter into a mental state that blinds them to the truth. Or maybe they are just seeking some happiness. Consider the excuses for bad behaviour. The "I've gone too far. I can't turn back now" despair. The thinking that the opinions of people who have known and loved them for 20-odd years don't matter in the light of a love they've had for 3 months. The idolisation. The clinging. And, the shame thereafter
Why is it that men will proclaim another a pal or best friend even when that friend is a shitty excuse for a human being. Someone who repeatedly stabs them in the back, treats their girlfriend like dirt, often beating her up and cheating on her with the friend's full knowledge. I understand the concept of loyalty, especially to someone who's been there for you. But loyalty can be exercised from afar, not in such close quarters. If it's possible to know a person by the friends they keep then, what do the actions of your friend (and your ability to stomach them) say about you? Perhaps, that you're a person with double standards. Eventually that friend will turn around to bite you in the ass. I remember how a particular boyfriend of mine used to be so tight with his best friend. After, the friend hit on me, i realised that not only did my boyfriend choose to be deliberately blind to the true nature of his friend, but that the friend would eventually continue his habit of betrayal in years to come. Eventually, i cut off from both.
As i write this, I wonder whether my blogs serve their purpose. Originally they were conceived as a catharsis for my soul. A place to let go of pain, confusion, inconsistencies and troubling thoughts. Now i wonder if they don't just amplify them. If they are like desperate shouts in a vacuum that return no echo, no corresponding notes.
I do know i am not a lone voice. There are other "mad people out there". Perhaps, their medium is not words, yet they stand tall and proud on some other tract of universe. Mmn...
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Contemporary Christianity
I've been mulling over a lot of issues lately; looking at the lives and hearts of christians and wondering whether we are really any different from unbelievers. I've also been reading Ted Dekker's Slumber of Christianity.
I know that the incorruptible seed of God that is in us. Also the righteousness we have in Jesus that is entirely by grace and irreversible. I also acknowledge that we will never truly attain the apogee of God's image until the afterlife. Much of what we do now is a seed towards when we come back to earth to finally live the life we were meant to and reign with Christ. Heaven will not house us forever. There will be a new heaven and earth and we will come back to earth. But, in the meantime, some things bug me.
It would seem that there is a sharp divide in the church. You have the "churchy/holy" types who seem far removed from the issues of this world and spend most of their lives in church. They really don't impact the world/economy/political space or lives of the unchurched - hence not fully actualising God's command to "occupy until i come" - a political/economic term in the original language.
They also do not inspire unbelievers to want to be like them. At the other extreme are the "carnal christians" - believers who are so unserious/entrenched in a stubborn extreme liberty doctrine as to be mistaken for unbelievers. I worry we don't have too many contemporary christians who are sound internally, love God and yet can command the economic/political space. And if we do, we're not talking to/hanging out with/encouraging one another.
We have many hypocritical Peters ( cf. his double standard on the uncircumcised believers), but few intellectual Pauls or Daniels or politically powerful Josephs. I recognise that being born again does not change a mindset overnight or cultural barriers. If a man is simply not brilliant, interested in business, lazy or unexposed, he won't change overnight, just because he became a christian. He will most likely still fail in business unless God takes a special interest.
Sometimes I think that most people who do well in the world and are born again, had the potential/personality BEFORE they became born again (e.g Paul). Being born again simply accentuated it. And those who hide in church were simply the unexposed, condemnatory, thou-shalt-not, shy types before they became born again. Being born again simply provided a further excuse to be "exclusive".
My main concern however is this - if you take a look around - we (christians) seem to do just about everything unbelievers do. We have the same problems, use the same solutions, don't have much more faith, our prayers rarely move mountains, we drink like they do, go to the same clubs, have sex like they do, make out like they do, read the same things, watch/listen to the same things, talk like they do, watch porn like they do....WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?
I think something is critically missing, because it's not an overnight phenomenon. I talk to a lot of christians and really, most do not have a personal, cordial relationship with God. They simply do not know him for real. He doesn't talk to them specifically (even through the word/Spirit) they don't know his mind, he doesnt direct them, influence their decisions/actions. They're dissatisfied like everyone else, unhappy, worried, stressed....They spend so much time praying/fasting without commensurate output. It's like toiling with minimal results. They envy people who seem to be making it more than they do and condemn them by saying it's because they're compromising or using 'juju'.
Beyond church, beyond the crowd, beyond the traditions...we may need to reexamine the fundamentals of our relationship with God and the amount of his influence/power in our lives. Nemo dat quod non habet - you cannot give what you don't have. And perhaps, it is true that "garbage in, garbage out". There are times i know i've ingested too much of the world and need a break from it all to recharge/refill. What i hear, see, dwell on truly affect me - maybe it's because am a words/sound/thought person. We seem to think we can hang around people who really don't love God and somehow impact them, win them over, forgetting that "evil communication corrupts good manners". We may win them over, but unless we have other sources feeding us, building us up, strengthening us, invariably the "corruption" will erode who we are and we will change around them.
We need to build a strong network of people who love God/his word. Or else, the world will simply overwhelm us. Family is so important. God takes particular interest in families. The church is essentially a family. We need strong surrogate families and friends who stick closer than brothers, hence become family. Without this structure, we will begin thinking/acting like the world and it will happen quite normally.
Beware the day we start thinking they are normal and we are the odd ones out - the ones who need to get with the programme, conform, chill out. I know that i am gradually despairing, losing my mind, testing waters that are poisonous to my belly, so perhaps maybe this is as much a cry for help as it is a collection of thoughts. I simply cannot remember the last time i had a sensible discussion about God/his word or spent quality time with serious christians who aren't ashamed to be. If i didnt have a strong church, some core friends and conscientious colleagues, i would be crazy by now. Perhaps in that regard, God saves me each day. But some people are truly alone out there. Some will shrug this off as another lengthy diatribe. Others will do something. May God in his infinite mercy show us the way. Amen.
I know that the incorruptible seed of God that is in us. Also the righteousness we have in Jesus that is entirely by grace and irreversible. I also acknowledge that we will never truly attain the apogee of God's image until the afterlife. Much of what we do now is a seed towards when we come back to earth to finally live the life we were meant to and reign with Christ. Heaven will not house us forever. There will be a new heaven and earth and we will come back to earth. But, in the meantime, some things bug me.
It would seem that there is a sharp divide in the church. You have the "churchy/holy" types who seem far removed from the issues of this world and spend most of their lives in church. They really don't impact the world/economy/political space or lives of the unchurched - hence not fully actualising God's command to "occupy until i come" - a political/economic term in the original language.
They also do not inspire unbelievers to want to be like them. At the other extreme are the "carnal christians" - believers who are so unserious/entrenched in a stubborn extreme liberty doctrine as to be mistaken for unbelievers. I worry we don't have too many contemporary christians who are sound internally, love God and yet can command the economic/political space. And if we do, we're not talking to/hanging out with/encouraging one another.
We have many hypocritical Peters ( cf. his double standard on the uncircumcised believers), but few intellectual Pauls or Daniels or politically powerful Josephs. I recognise that being born again does not change a mindset overnight or cultural barriers. If a man is simply not brilliant, interested in business, lazy or unexposed, he won't change overnight, just because he became a christian. He will most likely still fail in business unless God takes a special interest.
Sometimes I think that most people who do well in the world and are born again, had the potential/personality BEFORE they became born again (e.g Paul). Being born again simply accentuated it. And those who hide in church were simply the unexposed, condemnatory, thou-shalt-not, shy types before they became born again. Being born again simply provided a further excuse to be "exclusive".
My main concern however is this - if you take a look around - we (christians) seem to do just about everything unbelievers do. We have the same problems, use the same solutions, don't have much more faith, our prayers rarely move mountains, we drink like they do, go to the same clubs, have sex like they do, make out like they do, read the same things, watch/listen to the same things, talk like they do, watch porn like they do....WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?
I think something is critically missing, because it's not an overnight phenomenon. I talk to a lot of christians and really, most do not have a personal, cordial relationship with God. They simply do not know him for real. He doesn't talk to them specifically (even through the word/Spirit) they don't know his mind, he doesnt direct them, influence their decisions/actions. They're dissatisfied like everyone else, unhappy, worried, stressed....They spend so much time praying/fasting without commensurate output. It's like toiling with minimal results. They envy people who seem to be making it more than they do and condemn them by saying it's because they're compromising or using 'juju'.
Beyond church, beyond the crowd, beyond the traditions...we may need to reexamine the fundamentals of our relationship with God and the amount of his influence/power in our lives. Nemo dat quod non habet - you cannot give what you don't have. And perhaps, it is true that "garbage in, garbage out". There are times i know i've ingested too much of the world and need a break from it all to recharge/refill. What i hear, see, dwell on truly affect me - maybe it's because am a words/sound/thought person. We seem to think we can hang around people who really don't love God and somehow impact them, win them over, forgetting that "evil communication corrupts good manners". We may win them over, but unless we have other sources feeding us, building us up, strengthening us, invariably the "corruption" will erode who we are and we will change around them.
We need to build a strong network of people who love God/his word. Or else, the world will simply overwhelm us. Family is so important. God takes particular interest in families. The church is essentially a family. We need strong surrogate families and friends who stick closer than brothers, hence become family. Without this structure, we will begin thinking/acting like the world and it will happen quite normally.
Beware the day we start thinking they are normal and we are the odd ones out - the ones who need to get with the programme, conform, chill out. I know that i am gradually despairing, losing my mind, testing waters that are poisonous to my belly, so perhaps maybe this is as much a cry for help as it is a collection of thoughts. I simply cannot remember the last time i had a sensible discussion about God/his word or spent quality time with serious christians who aren't ashamed to be. If i didnt have a strong church, some core friends and conscientious colleagues, i would be crazy by now. Perhaps in that regard, God saves me each day. But some people are truly alone out there. Some will shrug this off as another lengthy diatribe. Others will do something. May God in his infinite mercy show us the way. Amen.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Music - my new cure-all for horniness
Okay, I admit it, I'm horny and have explored just about every conventional (and some unconventional) solutions to stay sane, without jumping every bloke I'm attracted to.
To make matters worse, i sometimes work 19 hour days - adrenaline pumping, exciting, knowledge filled days - that leave my body screaming for an outlet. But the resulting tiredness of the day generally precludes most activity based outlets - try doing anything rational when your tired AND horny. Recently, i discovered the soothing powers of music.
Music (particularly new music) engages me. When i hear something i like, i literally stop whatever I'm doing to listen to it. Therefore, it's a wonderful distraction. It also provides an emotional channel for my swirling internal maelstrom. Finally, it just soothes and rocks me ever so gently or loudly to sleep.
I'm interested in other cure-alls. Anybody with any ideas? And yes, am ALREADY aware of the three-letter and 12-letter options, so get creative, will ya?
To make matters worse, i sometimes work 19 hour days - adrenaline pumping, exciting, knowledge filled days - that leave my body screaming for an outlet. But the resulting tiredness of the day generally precludes most activity based outlets - try doing anything rational when your tired AND horny. Recently, i discovered the soothing powers of music.
Music (particularly new music) engages me. When i hear something i like, i literally stop whatever I'm doing to listen to it. Therefore, it's a wonderful distraction. It also provides an emotional channel for my swirling internal maelstrom. Finally, it just soothes and rocks me ever so gently or loudly to sleep.
I'm interested in other cure-alls. Anybody with any ideas? And yes, am ALREADY aware of the three-letter and 12-letter options, so get creative, will ya?
Monday, October 08, 2007
Saturday Thoughts
I greatly value the peace, comfort, excitement & support God/friends provide. Living is so much easier, days not so empty, tasks not so gargantuan. The things i HAVE to do but hate to do are easier to bear. Thinking about God/friends makes it all bearable as well as the knowledge that when it's over and done with, I'm coming home to them.
Friendship is very selective. I recently decided that i would stop pointing out the things i don't like in others or try to change them. Why? 1. It's not my place to judge or try to change them 2. It hurts like hell. Friends who have known you long enough know when they're doing wrong. If they choose to continue, it's because they're unwilling/unable to change. You need to make a decision to stop having stupid arguments about what they do or don't do. Love them as is, or exit and leave them the heck alone!
Some people hold fast to particular viewpoints. When they are presented with another or a superior one or theirs is assaulted, they're so pained/affronted/can't handle it/assume you're the one who's wrong. Be patient if they're important to you. Sometimes, they do come around. If they refuse to give an inch, leave them be.
Friendship is very selective. I recently decided that i would stop pointing out the things i don't like in others or try to change them. Why? 1. It's not my place to judge or try to change them 2. It hurts like hell. Friends who have known you long enough know when they're doing wrong. If they choose to continue, it's because they're unwilling/unable to change. You need to make a decision to stop having stupid arguments about what they do or don't do. Love them as is, or exit and leave them the heck alone!
Some people hold fast to particular viewpoints. When they are presented with another or a superior one or theirs is assaulted, they're so pained/affronted/can't handle it/assume you're the one who's wrong. Be patient if they're important to you. Sometimes, they do come around. If they refuse to give an inch, leave them be.
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