This is a #DearLA Letter - A Single Woman’s Missive.

Dear LA, a potential suitor recently asked why I wasn't married. It was a loaded question and it came with a full set of assumptions.

It wasn't so much an enquiry as a subtle judgment - "A woman like you in her 30s should be married by now. If you're unmarried, there must be something wrong with you - Perhaps a dark past or you're unmanageable and no man can control you". (As if marriage were a time stamped project devoid of human considerations and life's complexities).

So, I decided not to dignify his query or satisfy his curiosity or ignorance thereof. Instead I said something rather cheeky, rejecting the premise of the question. I simply indicated that he was far older, unhappy and unmarried, hence his question was moot!

But lately, after reading your letters, I've chosen to clarify my position, at least to myself. It will influence the course of my future relationship.

First, do I want to get married? Of course. Have I been asked before? Yes. So, why didn't I say yes? Simple - Choice and Conviction.  Perhaps I'm a romantic idealist but I believe marriage is a serious institution. It has mystical connotations and should not be treated lightly.

I won't get married because society expects it, my peers are doing it, my biological clock is ticking or I'm lonely. I'm not brave, stubborn or unrealistic. Just truthful to myself. No one else but me and the person I eventually choose will deal with the consequences of the decision. I'm also acutely aware that marrying the wrong person can wreck my peace, health, future & potential. I'm not fooled by the smiling faces of the married who cry in distress when no one sees.

In the meantime, I deal with the usual pressures as well as I can- sex for one. Perhaps if I was getting my freak on regularly, the decision to wait would've been easier. But I guess I was lucky enough to experience my "mid-life crisis" at an early age. Principles have finally prevailed and I choose not to sleep around. Anyway, doing so will do nothing for my personal happiness. It's a temporary fix at best.

To be sure, I have the opportunity to indulge and the knowledge to avoid unwanted "medical conditions". I have no fear of a besmirched reputation as I can opt for foreign flings. I also seem to serve a very forgiving God:). So rationally, my primary reason for sexual prudence is I've never understood how to split my sexual favours in several places. And so loneliness has become a constant companion. I'm sapiosexual, you see.

I have multiple ideas every day, so deeply desire a home for my head; a counterpart; conversations that matter; laughter. Someone I can relate to; whose mind sharpens mine; who'll be able to relate to my fantasies without being aghast! I do admit to sometimes using work to chase the loneliness away but I'm thankful for it. Prevents me from calling those I shouldn't. I'm also grateful for those who are there for me.

So, there you have it LA. Perhaps the next time the question comes my way, I'll be better prepared to give a factual response. In the meantime, I continue to focus on happiness, no matter how obscure. I choose to wait even if it doesn't accord with so-called popular wisdom or convention. I choose to make the best relationship decisions knowing I can't fully control outcomes or the future.

I remain as always your mentee, Subomi Plumptre.

[This was a submission for the #DearLA Twitter series by Leke Alder (@Leke_Alder). Other series in the collection include #Letr2Jil and #Letr2Jack]

#PMNG Knowledge Series: All Hail the Grand Volunteer (Or Not)! What You Weren’t Told About Volunteering

Today, I’d like to speak on the subject of Volunteering.

Having volunteered for quite a few projects & causes myself, I’ve learned there are some lessons worth learning which I’d like to share with you.

First things first - volunteering is hard and is not for everyone. It’s typically a thankless job & you’ll probably be taken for granted as very few have learned the delicate art of appreciating what they do not pay for. Nevertheless, it's a noble pursuit particularly when it’s for a good cause. And there are many good reasons to volunteer. However, when you choose one, know you are no longer doing anyone a favour.

Your reasons for volunteering may include: Belief, fulfillment, networking, opportunity to test skills or products, experience, exposure, purpose…the list goes on. Once you decide to volunteer, you should give the same dedication & commitment to excellence you would any paid assignment. Anything else is unworthy of you and a disservice to the cause you're volunteering for. A sacred tenet of volunteering is to adopt the same approach to quality for God, country, Alma Mater or cause.

Keep in mind WHY you're volunteering, always. It will help on those days you feel like quitting. And I assure you, there are days you’ll want to quit. You will feel you’ve wasted your effort when you wonder why you’re serving in the first place and come up empty. Therefore, have a strong reason for serving with clear outcomes and a definite time frame. Yes, I said time frame, because there are some things you should never do when volunteering:

i. Beware of never ending assignments.

If you want to volunteer on a revolving basis, ensure you still fix a definite tenor which you can renew if you choose to. Tenor gives you a chance to re-evaluate and take stock of achievements, failures and changing objectives. Also ensures you’re not taken for granted.

ii. Beware of “dumping syndrome”.

This is a scenario where a group deliberates on a solution, but implementation somehow falls solely on your shoulders. Strongly resist this. Yes, the responsibility may be an acknowledgement of your ability but trust me, it’s more about everyone else avoiding work. If a project is a team effort, EVERYONE must share the burden of implementation with a designated lead and resources. A project without a leader and dedicated resources for implementation is dead-on-arrival.

iii. Resist being taken for granted.

I'm sure you recognise the situation where you do all the work, but are sidelined anytime there's an acknowledgement of contributions or a reward. I call this a conspiracy of ingratitude. Never accept it. Always document your contributions for posterity (NOT boasting rights). This is because anything that is not documented does not officially exist. If you ever need to walk away from a project, do so with dignity. Channel the lessons learned and experiences to a worthier project.

iv. Beware of narrow-vision.

Never sacrifice your purpose, family or life calling for someone else’s vision. This is where tenor comes in handy. It gives you a chance to assess the effort being expended on your own assignments relative to what you’re volunteering for. You can then adjust accordingly.

v. Beware of waste.

When you volunteer, make sure there’s a system in place to capture all contributions and deliver a viable product or else all your efforts will come to nought. Imagine creating beautiful plans that never see the light of day. And please don’t volunteer for a cause whose leaders are not committed to implementation. It’s a waste of your time and contributions.

Now, a word for organisations that use volunteers.

If you regularly court high level professionals as volunteers, there are a few things to bear in mind. Your staff must be ready to give up weekends and after hours to align with the free time of your volunteers. Sometimes weekends & after-hours is only time they have to give you after their day jobs. You can’t want their input, yet desire it at your organisation’s convenience. It’s not going to work. (Moreso if these volunteers reside in a different time zone from yours). Your volunteers will likely call at odd hours because that’s the only time they can spare. Take it or leave it, but don’t complain.

I sincerely hope these insights will prove useful to you – whether you’re a volunteer or organisation. I wish you all the best on your volunteering journey.

[#PMNG is a social media series exploring practical project management principles for business, causes and life. © Subomi Plumptre. She may be reached on Twitter @subomiplumptre]