Over the weekend and the better part of Monday, i was terribly ill. In my illness, i understood how people with migraines cease to function. I also experienced a strange empathy for ulcer ridden individuals because of the acid constantly churning in my stomach.
I was ill because i was worried and gripped by an irrational fear.
Fear paralyses the mind and motor functions. All you want to do is escape, sleep, be saved, have it over and done with. But how can you overcome a situation that is totally out of your control and all you can do is wait for the outcome? I felt impotent, blindsided, like i was on the edge of a precipice and at any moment my life could take a sharp, ugly, unpredictable turn. How could i be so stupid? Could i really have gone into this with my eyes open? Despite the warning bells in my head, could i have proceeded so rebelliously?
I became humbled and humiliated as i begged, negotiated and wept to the unseen Holies. I pledged to get off my pedestal, to empathise more, shut up, talk less, judge none. I promised to do better if i was given a second (or is it third) chance. To be more responsible, wiser, restrained.
It is extremely hard to succeed in life. For many, the sheer fear and weight of uncertainty cripples initiative and action. The comfort zone is preferred to the great unknown.
In my fear i broke boundaries i had determined never to cross. In my desperate negotiations and scenario planning, i broached outcomes i had vowed never to contemplate. I became a despicable nothing, as life continued unrelentingly and unconcerned around me. I became human, a woman, a gnat.
If faith is the opposite of fear and love overcomes it then my faith and love must be measly things. I know that now. As midnight approached and salvation was handed to me, i felt relief but also a deep sadness and shame at the lessons i had failed and the person i saw myself becoming. But, i understood. I understood humanity better; my heart and head expanded to accomodate actions and inactions, flaws and irrational selfish evils. It was a lesson well taught though horribly learned. I am determined to never come back to this place. Never. Never. Until next time, that is.
7 comments:
Fear is a demobiliser and I know that from experience. A lot of the things we could have achieved in life have never been ours because we listened to fear and didn't take action. I've realised that as hard as it may be, once we take action against our fear, we discover that what we were afriad of, was far smaller than we imagined...
fear is many things, but what exactly was wrong with you?
were you actually able to contemplate the varied nuances of this emotion while in pain?
What do one do without an Irrational Fear cause what ever it is that one have to venture into must come with all it negative and positive measures but given all the positive and negative measure surrounding it due to this our own unruly economical practice in this part of the world (which is more negative) you can’t blame anybody at all when they go through this irrational fear as it is said ‘it is easier said than done’ but on the brighter side life is too short to be pondering on what is good or not, looking at it from another angle it is not just irrational fear it is also self confidence that deter one from actualizing life dreams
life is like a bunch of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. but you knew that already.
Just be strong and you'll come out in triumph. Sorry abt da sickness. It's a kinda rehab, so no long thing :)
hey, first time here, nice blog oh...
hmmm.....could u have suffered a mild case of hysteria while ill?? dat could be d reason for d fear..but glad u're much better now:D
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