I've been tired this week and a bit soul weary. I really didn't feel like writing a blog anytime soon, even though thoughts have been buzzing through my mind incessantly. It would seem that my mind rarely stops working, no matter how tired my body seems to be.
A while ago, it occured to me that if you want to observe a man at his "stupidest", watch him when he's fighting with another man. Closely observe the arrogant boastings and sputtered declarative statements. The chest heaving and nostril flaring. The sheer pride, arrogance and affronted vanity. The desire to impose will and self. The irrational anger. The attempt to reconstruct moves watched long ago in a kung-fu film. The pretense, posturing and excuses. And, the shame thereafter.
With women, it's when they're in love. They seem to enter into a mental state that blinds them to the truth. Or maybe they are just seeking some happiness. Consider the excuses for bad behaviour. The "I've gone too far. I can't turn back now" despair. The thinking that the opinions of people who have known and loved them for 20-odd years don't matter in the light of a love they've had for 3 months. The idolisation. The clinging. And, the shame thereafter
Why is it that men will proclaim another a pal or best friend even when that friend is a shitty excuse for a human being. Someone who repeatedly stabs them in the back, treats their girlfriend like dirt, often beating her up and cheating on her with the friend's full knowledge. I understand the concept of loyalty, especially to someone who's been there for you. But loyalty can be exercised from afar, not in such close quarters. If it's possible to know a person by the friends they keep then, what do the actions of your friend (and your ability to stomach them) say about you? Perhaps, that you're a person with double standards. Eventually that friend will turn around to bite you in the ass. I remember how a particular boyfriend of mine used to be so tight with his best friend. After, the friend hit on me, i realised that not only did my boyfriend choose to be deliberately blind to the true nature of his friend, but that the friend would eventually continue his habit of betrayal in years to come. Eventually, i cut off from both.
As i write this, I wonder whether my blogs serve their purpose. Originally they were conceived as a catharsis for my soul. A place to let go of pain, confusion, inconsistencies and troubling thoughts. Now i wonder if they don't just amplify them. If they are like desperate shouts in a vacuum that return no echo, no corresponding notes.
I do know i am not a lone voice. There are other "mad people out there". Perhaps, their medium is not words, yet they stand tall and proud on some other tract of universe. Mmn...
4 comments:
Hmmm..Ultimately, "friendships based on "selfishness" are doomed to crumble...but when you REALLY think about it, all our friendships are based on one form of selfishness or another...we either want something from them, or they want something from us..
LOL at "attempt to reconstruct moves watched long ago in a kung-fu film"..you obviously been watching sessions at the lower house recently...
PS: "..other mad people out there.."?? Ok, where do I sign..??
I have struggled with that same issue - does speaking these thoughts bring a calm to the storm or does it transform the storm into a tsunami? For a while I stopped writing, convinced that the expression was only intensifying and deepening the confusion and angst. But I think I've had a re-think - perhaps the amplification of those thoughts is part of the solution - I don't think there is a 'solution to every problem' that is accessible to us fallible humans - only God has that. But sometimes screaming out those questions and thoughts can be its own form of therapy - it can bring some kind of method to the madness, it can help me confront and face something that was crying out to be faced... sometimes the monster becomes overpowering afterwards, sometimes it seems less significant (but rarely disappears - do we ever completely 'let go?'); either way there is a response that somehow helps me to reach into myself and find something I need at that moment... dunno if this has made any sense - it barely makes sense to me, really...
You write really, really well... but then I'm sure you already know that.
heeheeheeheehee..i like d men at dia stupidest.....and women? (sigh) wat can i say?? u're a good writer chic keep it up:)
Personally i think taking out our problems and putting them in the light is cathartic, but usually your immeidate reaction is to recoil at the ugliness of the monsters our minds have created but the up side is that it makes it easier to see their heads so we can bash them in
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