My Ongoing Thoughts on Nigeria and Yeah...Solutions Too.

Nigeria is beset by two twin problems which have become a cancer in its soul – Iniquity & Inequity. (Where iniquity is a continuing breakdown of law & order and inequity connotes injustice).

Over the years, the problems that have come to define the image of our country include 419, Yahoo Yahoo, Terrorism, Sporadic Power Supply, Decaying Infrastructure, Corruption, Kidnapping, Degraded Educational System, Lack of Job Opportunities, Lack of Finance for Fledgling Businesses –and the list goes on and on. But, my argument is that these things are just symptoms of a deepening disease not the disease itself. The disease can be traced to just two things: Iniquity & Inequity.

If our law enforcement agencies worked, for instance, (and by law enforcement agencies, I mean the Police, Customs, Judiciary, Military etc.), corruption would significantly reduce, allowing our national and state institutions to work more efficiently. As long as crime continues to pay; 419, kidnapping and the like will proliferate. It’s a simply law of economics – as long as output far outweighs input, you have a viable business. The minute the consequence for a crime far outweighs the crime itself, and once that consequence is consistently and regularly meted out, the crime will reduce.

Today, we have law enforcement agencies that are poorly trained and motivated and so do not give a damn about crime. With the right amounts of money, you can ease the passage of any type of good across Nigeria. Nigeria has no credible national database, no fingerprint registry or forensics department worth their salt. Criminals can disappear across state borders without ever getting caught. Suspicious characters can bring in explosives registered to construction companies in containers and clear them through customs. Embassies can bring in weapons like the Iranian diplomats did for the Boko Haram terrorists. Fertilizers can be imported en masse by agricultural concerns and used to make bombs with little oversight. I doubt if bulk shipments are tagged. A West African can easily get a Nigerian passport from the Immigration Service for N18, 000, commit a crime in Europe, dump his Nigerian passport and travel home with a passport from his country of origin.

Interestingly, it’s also our lack of national databases that limits the ability of entrepreneurs to get loans. We have no credit bureau, no credit history, no way of tracking people’s addresses, assets or identities. Checking job histories is cumbersome and ineffective as a recently deposed DG of a Securities Regulatory Institution has taught us:). Where there is no credit history, there are no low interest leases or mortgages.

I recently heard of a bank that offers a purported “12%” low-interest facility to the staff of a few selected corporations. The corporations take on the burden of “vetting” their staff for creditworthiness. If the staff members default, the organisation’s corporate relationship with the bank stands at risk (and perhaps future credit lines). With a lot riding on their “vetting” process, I’m not sure many staff will get the clearance required to access the loans. Or perhaps their gratuities or pension funds will be used as “collateral”.

On the education front, this cancer of iniquity is bred at home as parents aid their children in cheating on exams. Government officials embezzle the monies meant for classrooms; teachers fail to show up for school and face no consequence.

Injustice is bred as we fail to practice true federalism. States are prevented from keeping the bulk of what they produce while remitting only what is necessary to run the federal government. They are also prevented from taking charge of their destinies and so our states continue to remain uncompetitive. Religious and ethnic violence/repression is rarely dealt with impartially. Crimes against vulnerable groups are ignored. There are no social safety nets for the poor, aged and mentally unsound and many Nigerians die like cockroaches. We do not protect intellectual property rights and creative endeavour is cheapened. And in our society, you are only assured of basic services and rights when you are considered a “Big Man”. The concepts of service, self-esteem, individuality and self-respect seem to have been bludgeoned to death by our law enforcement agencies, particularly the military.

We have failed to breed a national unity and identity that takes into consideration our diversity. We have tried to build a nation without recognising the individual tribes, without apologising for the atrocities of history and forgiving one another.

If I were president I would focus on 4 major things:

Instituting True Federalism: Yes, I would push for State Police. I would support the states retaining the bulk of what they make. It will end all the gawdamn excuses about the federal government not doing enough. If your state does not work, look at your thriving neighbour next door, then go stone your thieving Governor. It will also shut up the ethnic groups that keep saying they’re being marginalised – Once you’ve been “set free” - produce and work for your survival

Revamping Our Law Enforcement Agencies: I would focus on welfare first. I would ensure that I have on my desk a signed but undated letter of resignation from the officials in charge of setting up a sustainable welfare structure for our law enforcement agencies. I would happily jail anyone who steals their pay. As per corruption within those agencies, I would institute the stiffest penalties and ensure public shame. In terms of training, I would ensure aggressive skills transfer from the international agencies that work

Developing a National Records Database: If you commit a crime, you will be caught because I would institute the development of a robust national database, and I’m not talking about a pork barrel national identity card project. I will put in place a credit bureau to encourage leases and credit lines. And, I will encourage the stiffest penalties for the misuse of individuals’ data. The data must not reside in a government agency, so it does not become a tool of oppression.

Encouragement of National Dialogue: I am not referring to a national constitutional conference, for in truth, we have not even learnt to talk to or listen to one another. Instead, I would encourage different Nigerian groups to talk to one another, with trained moderators. I will encourage our people to admit to the mistakes of the past without embarking on a witch-hunt. I will document long buried but relevant national history so that we will never again forget the lessons of the past and together I will encourage us to design our collective future.

The Nigerian Constitution

As I read the Nigerian Constitution, I’m realising the critical importance of the National and State Houses of Assembly.

Without them, there can be no meaningful long term political, regulatory or policy change in Nigeria.

By extension therefore, our Political Parties are equally important. If we were to nurture Parties with sound ideologies, strategies and values; and if those Parties were to throw up Legislators with integrity and ideas then they would propose and vote for sound laws.

A dream scenario would be to have the right Party with a majority (or strategic alliance) in the Legislature that is interested in sustainable change and not just having a deadlock on power like we have today.

Instead of being so fixated about the Central Government, perhaps we should also examine the structures that produce a sound Presidency – the Political Parties that sponsor him and the Legislators that limit or enhance his ability to make laws.



What's in a Name?

Adam started it when he renamed us Mother in the Garden.

Since then we’ve been called Bad Mama Jama, Sexy Thang, Cherie Coco and Baby Doll.

We’ve been likened to a Jeep, Ride and Bank Account.

We’ve been flippantly termed Wifey, Roni or Shorty.

Some call us Bitch, Slut or Cunt.

To others we’re Brown Sugar, Sweetie Pie, Honey or Sugar.

In this part of the world, we’re Kokolette, Agbalumo, Tomato Jos, Omoge or Okpeke.

While we understand that some of these appellations are terms of endearment,

every once in a while, we’d like you to just call us WOMAN.



I Will Love You

I will love you

With a love that surpasses my devotion to music

With an obsession beyond my attentiveness to a detailed brief

With a fascination I apply only to words

With the wonder I express at the mysteries of God

With a sense of adventure I display in strange lands

I will make love to you

With thorough abandon

With the energy I find on an adrenaline high

With the creativity with which I craft my finest prose

With the devotion found in my deepest friendships

With the joy expressed in shared laughter

To be continued...

Cataloguing things i am not

I am not gifted at event planning and execution
I am not considered warm by most people
I suck at clothes shopping
I am not gifted in the art of interior decorating and have been told I have no taste
I do not enjoy cooking or domestic responsibilities
I am not crazy about children
I do not enjoy praying for long stretches of time
I do not like dealing with too many people at a time-i am not a crowd person
I do not like to be disturbed when I've just come back from work-and have been known to snap on occasion
I often forget to say good morning and pick up conversations the next day from where i left off the day before
I am not classically beautiful
I am not diplomatic or tactful
I am not a naturally happy person

Crazy Exercise on Songs on My MP3

Got this from a facebook friend. It works like this: You write down the first 20 songs on your mp3 player or pc when you select shuffle mode. You then tag a bunch of peeps. Here's my list:


I will be there, Kevin MacDougall


Somewhere a voice is calling, Frank Sinatra


Take your hand, Usher


When a woman's fed up, R.Kelly


Moti test eh, ID Cabasa Ft. Durella


Orobo, Sound Sultan


Your body, R.Kelly


Na me be fine boi, Sauce Kid


My pain, Sheyman


Unforgettable, Nat King Cole


Interlude 6, Lauryn Hill


Falling in love, Cece Winans


Intro, 2Face Idibia


I'm about to break, Linkin Park


Storm away, Bobby Brown


Pump that, KJ-52


Call 911, Sean Kingston


I needed you, Chris Brown


Sensuality, Avant


Involve yourself, Avant

Top Rejected City Slogans by Jason Roth

New Orleans

The city that really kicks ass. (But unfortunately also smells like it.)

Montreal

The most pretension, socialist politics, and annoying French accents you can get this side of the Atlantic.

Bombay

The land of untold riches and leprosy.

Cairo

Sit back,eat a pita, and see some of the most beautiful monuments to slavery in existence.

Orlando

The poor man's Las Vegas.

San Francisco

I left my HIV-positive test results in San Francisco.

London

Bitter: it's more than our beer. It's a way of life.

Moscow

The fine line between Happy Meals and gulags.

Rio de Janeiro

On our beaches and in our churches: worshipping flabby, loin cloth-covered asses 365 days a year.

Atlanta

The city that never wakes.

Naples

Don't think of our chicks as elderly, think of them as "sun roasted".

Tijuana

Where waking up in a jail cell with a broken rib cage, a dozen venereal diseases, and wearing nothing but a sombrero is only the beginning.

Hoboken

Just because Sinatra was born here doesn't mean we have any class.

Bangkok

If it's crispy, has a sticky red sauce, and smells like fish, you've come to the right whorehouse.

Florence

We brought the Renaissance into this world. We can take it out.

Hollywood

You don't need fake tits to make it in this town. Only a fake soul.

Hong Kong

As free as ancient Chinese dragon. (Just before it's chopped up, injected with MSG, and served with chopsticks.)

Seattle

The home of coffee, rain, grunge music, cigarette butts, vomit, and drug-induced suicide.

Cape Town

Getting screwed by the white man for over six centuries. (Starting with the crummy prices they paid on the slaves we sold them.)

Woodstock

Where littering, freeloading, sex with strangers, trashing people's property, and tripping out naked in the mud never sounded more romantic.

Hilarious City Names in America

Believe it or not, these were real city names/landmarks in America. Thankfully many of them have been changed (Culled from: Made in America by Bill Bryson)

Delirium Tremens
You bet
Git-up-and-get
Puke and shitbritches creek
Whiskey dick mountain, Washington
Dead bastard peak, Wyoming
Two tits, Carlifornia
Tickle cunt branch, North Carolina
Coldass creek
Sugar tit
Who'd a thought it, Alabama
Eek, Alaska
What cheer, Iowa
Ok, Kentucky
Bug, Kentucky
Number Nine, Maryland
Tightwad; Peculiar & Jerk trail, Missouri
Hot coffee & Goodfood, Mississipi
Wynot, Nebraska
Knockemstiff; Pee Pee; Lickskillet & Bowlegs, Oklahoma
East due west, South Carolina
Yell; Gizzards Cove & Zu Zu, Tenessee
Chocolate bayou; Jot 'em down & Cut and shoot, Texas
Lick fork; Unthanks & Tizzle flats, Virginia
Superior bottom, West Virginia
Embarrass, Wisconsin

Half-price movie night

If you're cheap like I am, you probably go to the movies on half-price (or free popcorn) movie night. A side benefit to going on this special day of the week is that you meet and observe so many interesting personalities. Because Nigerians generally love freebies, half-price movie night is always packed.

These are some of the people i've observed:

First, there's the high school grad who couldn't bother to get dressed up for the movies. Chances are he stiill has a comb stuck in his hair (I kid you not), is wearing sagging trousers (and sporting boxers of an uncertain color) or skintight pencil trousers that he wrestled to get into. This outfit is completed by the requisite unlaced fluorescent coloured high top sneakers, sweater top and big nerdy goggles. You'll typically find high schoolers huddled in groups of 3 or 4.

Then there's the bored college chick who's overdressed or underdressed depending on how you look at it and is probably thinking in her head: Notice me damn it! I didn't hang out half my boobs and apply liberal coats of makeup just for fun! If she's interested in the guy she's with, you'll probably hear her high pitched fake laughter from across the room. If she's not, she can often be sported wearing a nonchalant look and playing the brick game on her Nokia phone, thinking: Whatever!

Then there's the music star who always comes with a posse and sports dark glasses. In his head, he's thinking: I'm a star. Bow down and worship me. I'm popular. Make way before me. I have cash. I can be as loud and obnoxious as I want.

I especially like the suited corporeaucrat with the casually loosened tie and expensive shoes who strides in with an air of: I am important. The rest of you are little kids. I'm only here to destress from several technical deals that you wouldn't understand even if I mentioned them slowly. I'm not cheap. I can afford to come on any other night besides half-price night, but my obviously beautiful trophy girlfriend insisted we come today.I shall now stalk around with an obvious I-couldn't-care-less attitude. Dick!

Let's not forget the very pregnant young married woman who clutches on to her well dressed former jock husband who's still shellshocked over the fact that he's married and hence 'settled down'. Only his pot belly belies the fact that his glory fine-boy days are over.

These are just some of the folks i met yesterday at the movies. Now who says watching people ain't interesting?